Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Financial Fuck myself writing experiment part 5 - 420's comin soon, bitches!!


Financial fuck myself writing experiment - Part 5
THE EXPERIMENT IN A NUTSHELL
I went through a year and a half of writing absolutely nothing. That shit’s fucked up. I had to unfuck the situation by making threats to financially fuck myself in an attempt to fuck the laziness out of... myself...with a big rusty pole or a splintery post (anyone know what song I'm quoting there?). Each week I set a goal, I will write X amount of pages on a feature, or sitcom, webseries, whatever. If I don’t reach my goal, my wallet takes a vicious raping.
RECAP Of the most recent writing challenge:
I was supposed to write 2 blogs...one where I recap the most over-rated and worst movies of 2012, and a blog about Roger Ebert.  As you can see, those blogs have not been posted, so I “lost” the challenge.  If I had lost, I was going to paypal $25 to two people who posted their paypal email address or messaged me with it.  Well...
A bunch of people did read my blog, but no one bothered to leave me their paypal address, therefore I didn’t lose any money after all.  So ha!  Take that bitches!  You lost an opportunity for an easy $25.  Now I still do want to write those blogs, but I’ll save it for another time. 
What can I say?  I had a busy week-end, I got lazy, and I noticed that no one bothered to send me their paypal address...laziness got the best of me again.  So sort of thank you for not posting your paypal addresses as it would have sucked to lose $50, but for next time...post your paypal address.  Tough love is what I need to not be lazy.  It looks like I have a drunken week-end ahead of me, so that $50 I didn’t lose will likely end up getting me drunk. 
THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE:

The due date is 420, due time: 4:20 PM.  An HQ of weed...I mean soil, is on the line.  My friend from challenge #1 and 3 is once again going to be the enforcer, test reader, and constructive criticizer...if that’s even a word.  MS Word is not showing any red squiggly line below, so maybe it is a word. 
So...I need to either write episode 2 of my sitcom, a short film (I always leave a short film as an option, as it’s been a while since I’ve directed a short), or 3 episodes of my webseries “The Human Project”. 

Recap of the previous writing challenges:

Experiment 3 (last CHALLENGE): I had to either write the pilot to my sitcom (22 pages) or a short film and it’s due on April 1, 11:59 PM. If I lost, I’d have to give my friend a free HQ of weed.

THE RESULT: I WON!! This was pretty cool, because this sitcom pilot is something I’ve wanted to write for a long time. I’ve taken quite a few stabs at it and was never happy with what I wrote; I kept re-starting. I would often get to about 6 pages, re-read it, hate it, and delete it and start from the beginning.

It was nice to finally write it all out, flesh out all the characters, and write in a few teases at where certain storylines and characters would go with future episodes. It was about 25 pages I wrote. I think I’m happy with the characters I’ve come up with, and I like to think it’s pretty funny stuff. I perhaps did recycle a few jokes from older scripts, but for the most part all the jokes were new, and just pulled out of my ass while I was writing. I've gotten the script notes today, and I'll re-visit and re-write the script in maybe a week. Here's the blog for financial fuck myself part 3:


EXPERIMENT 2 - SHIT GETS EPIC – GOAL WRITES 10 PAGES OF THE EPIC SCRIPT... (a chain script concept between 3 writers, of the script being passed back and forth to each other to do whatever the fuck we want to it). Here's the link to the blog of part 2:

http://thechingofcomedy.blogspot.ca/2013/03/the-financial-fuck-myself-writing.html

WHAT WAS AT STAKE? A deal with 2 people. $40 on the line for Warren, and a permanent ban on myself to ever try to force my musical taste on Scott again. That means no more showing upto his house and being like, “Yo, this emo band is awesome!! Here’s their cd”

And him being like...SIGH..."okay, I guess I’ll listen to it."

RESULT – I WON, MOTHERFUCKERS! Scott, I’ll burn a CD of The Menzingers next time I see you. They’re fucking awesome! They’re like a punk rock version of the Tragically Hip.

EXPERIMENT 1 – WRITE 30 PAGES OF A FEATURE. I LOST (came up short. I wrote 20 pages), and had to buy a quarter ounce of weed and give it to a friend of mine for free. Here's the link to the original blog:

CURRENT TALLY:
2 wins
2 losses

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Financial fuck myself writing experiment - Part 4

THE EXPERIMENT IN A NUTSHELL

I went through a year and a half of writing absolutely nothing. That shit’s fucked up. I had to unfuck the situation by making threats to financially fuck myself in an attempt to fuck the laziness out of... myself...with a big rusty pole or a splintery post (anyone know what song I'm quoting there?). Each week I set a goal, I will write X amount of pages on a feature, or sitcom, webseries, whatever. If I don’t reach my goal, my wallet takes a vicious raping.
RECAP Of the most recent writing challenge:

Experiment 3 (last CHALLENGE): I had to either write the pilot to my sitcom (22 pages) or a short film and it’s due on April 1, 11:59 PM.  If I lost, I’d have to give my friend a free HQ of weed.
THE RESULT: I WON!!  This was pretty cool, because this sitcom pilot is something I’ve wanted to write for a long time.  I’ve taken quite a few stabs at it and was never happy with what I wrote;  I kept re-starting.  I would often get to about 6 pages, re-read it, hate it, and delete it and start from the beginning. 
 It was nice to finally write it all out, flesh out all the characters, and write in a few teases at where certain storylines and characters would go with future episodes.  It was about 25 pages I wrote.  I think I’m happy with the characters I’ve come up with, and I like to think it’s pretty funny stuff. I perhaps did recycle a few jokes from older scripts, but for the most part all the jokes were new, and just pulled out of my ass while I was writing. I've gotten the script notes today, and I'll re-visit and re-write the script in maybe a week. Here's the blog for financial fuck myself part 3:
My current tally is 2 wins, and 1 loss.
THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE:
2 BLOGS...
The next deadline will be April 14, 11:59 PM.  I need to write 2 blogs this week.  One of them is one I’ve wanted to write for a long time, but keep procrastinating and that’s my blog about the most over-rated/worst movies of 2012.  The other blog will be about Roger Ebert.  As a huge fan of his, I feel the need to write a blog about him. 
While I didn’t know him personally, nor did we even exchange emails (I think one time he responded to my comment on his blog when I was asking him about a trippy animation he posted on his blog.  I asked him where he found the trippy animation, he dug around a bit and told me where he found it, and since then the Animusic DVD is part of my awesome things to watch while high collection...thanks Ebert!) , the man is arguably the most important, influential, smartest and most respected movie critic of all time.  So much of what I know about movies and even my love of movies is due to Roger Ebert. 
As a film criticism nerd, I do feel the need to write a blog about him.  I won’t make it overly sentimental, as I didn’t know him personally. I don't know if I'll really say much that hasn't already been said, but I'll give it a shot.
So...if I don’t deliver these two blogs by Sunday April 14...
Whoever is reading this blog, if you have paypal, feel free to either leave your paypal address here or email jeffching@gmail.com with your paypal address.  If I fail this challenge, I will pick two email addresses and paypal $25 to each one.  How will I decide which 2 email addresses get it?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll just Eeny, meeny, miny, moe that shit.  Or maybe I’ll send money to whoever I like better.  Who knows?  But, you have a chance to get $25 due to my laziness, so why not?
Recap of the previous writing challenges:
EXPERIMENT 2 - SHIT GETS EPIC – GOAL WRITES 10 PAGES OF THE EPIC SCRIPT... (a chain script concept between 3 writers, of the script being passed back and forth to each other to do whatever the fuck we want to it). Here's the link to the blog of part 2:

http://thechingofcomedy.blogspot.ca/2013/03/the-financial-fuck-myself-writing.html
WHAT WAS AT STAKE? A deal with 2 people. $40 on the line for Warren, and a permanent ban on myself to ever try to force my musical taste on Scott again. That means no more showing upto his house and being like, “Yo, this emo band is awesome!! Here’s their cd”
And him being like...SIGH..."okay, I guess I’ll listen to it."
RESULT – I WON, MOTHERFUCKERS! Scott, I’ll burn a CD of The Menzingers next time I see you. They’re fucking awesome! They’re like a punk rock version of the Tragically Hip.
EXPERIMENT 1 – WRITE 30 PAGES OF A FEATURE. I LOST (came up short. I wrote 20 pages), and had to buy a quarter ounce of weed and give it to a friend of mine for free. Here's the link to the original blog:
CURRENT TALLY:
2 wins
1 loss



Thursday, March 28, 2013

Financial Fuck myself part 3 - april fools' time

Financial Fuck myself writing experiment – part 3

 THE EXPERIMENT IN A NUTSHELL
I went through a year and a half of writing absolutely nothing.  That shit’s fucked up.  I had to unfuck the situation by making threats to financially fuck myself in an attempt to fuck the laziness out of... myself.  Each week I set a goal, I will write X amount of pages on a feature, or sitcom, webseries, whatever.  If I don’t reach my goal, my wallet takes a raping. 

RECAP:

EXPERIMENT 1 – WRITE 30 PAGES OF A FEATURE.  I LOST (came up short. I wrote 20 pages), and had to buy a quarter ounce of weed and give it to a friend of mine for free.  Here's the link to the original blog:
http://thechingofcomedy.blogspot.ca/2013/03/the-diary-of-wannabe-writer-financial.html

EXPERIMENT 2 - CLOSURE ON LAST WEEK’S CHALLENGE  – SHIT GETS EPIC – GOAL WRITES 10 PAGES OF THE EPIC SCRIPT...    (a chain script concept between 3 writers, of the script being passed back and forth to each other to do whatever the fuck we want to it). Here's the link to the blog of part 2:

http://thechingofcomedy.blogspot.ca/2013/03/the-financial-fuck-myself-writing.html
WHAT WAS AT STAKE? A deal with 2 people.  $40 on the line for Warren, and a permanent ban on myself to ever try to force my musical taste on Scott again.  That means no more showing upto his house and being like, “Yo, this emo band is awesome!! Here’s their cd”

And him being like...SIGH..."okay, I guess I’ll listen to it."

RESULT – I WON, MOTHERFUCKERS! Scott, I’ll burn a CD of The Menzingers next time I see you.  They’re fucking awesome! They’re like a punk rock version of the Tragically Hip. 
The count for now is
1 win

1 loss

In the previous blog, I had talked about how the script started out with a twilight zone-ish concept.  Then it soon became a competition of who can out-farce who, who can write the most fucked up, darkest, disgusting, offensive material.  Scott and Warren know my humor very well by now, but I’m hoping my latest entry still manages to get a shock reaction out of them. 

This entry was a double edged sword.  On one hand, I think what I wrote was absolutely fucking hilarious and much funnier than the stuff I wrote last week.  On the flip side, I am also genuinely embarrassed about what I wrote.  If Scott and Warren are the only 2 people who ever read my 10 pages, that’s cool with me. 

THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE:
I think I’m fucked.  I’ll be honest.  It’s already Thursday, and I haven’t started.  Anyways, I made a deal on Monday with the same friend from challenge 1, but this time with an HQ of weed on the line.  Because I’m only giving myself a week, I’m not putting $65 on the line again; especially with my last paycheque sucking balls. 

Anyways, the deal was that I had to either write the pilot to my sitcom (22 pages) or a short film and it’s due on April 1, 11:59 PM.  Yes, it’s April Fools day.  What should a script delivered on April fools be like? I don’t know.  I’m going to think about this one.  Maybe I’ll write a short about April Fools. 

My next deadline after that should be might be April 20.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Financial fuck myself writing experiment part 2

BE WARNED: I use the word "epic" way too many times in this blog. I'm sorry. It hopefully won't happen again.

CLOSURE ON LAST WEEK’S ANECDOTE:
For those not familiar with my financial fuck myself writing experiment, here’s the first blog I wrote about it.:
http://thechingofcomedy.blogspot.ca/2013/03/the-diary-of-wannabe-writer-financial.html

Okay, so an update on the first experiment.  Bad news is, I did indeed financially fuck myself (might I add I fucked myself even more by putting money on Carlos Condit to beat Johny Hendricks at the last UFC).  The email that I wrote to the recipient stated, “On Sunday March 17th...11:59 PM, I have to send you a piece of writing. I don't know yet what it will be as I'm deciding between like 5 different ideas. It either has to be 30 pages of a feature, one episode of a sitcom (22 pages), a short film script, or 3 episodes of a webseries titled The Human Project (I've written one episode so far). So, if I don't deliver on March 17th, a free quarter bag of soil will come your way.”
Maybe I don’t have to spell it out, but soil being our code word for weed...I guess making my pot dealer my gardener.  Maybe not the best code words in the world.  I ended up going with a feature-length romantic comedy.  Bad news was that I failed to deliver 30 pages.  On the other hand, I didn't completly fail at writing either. I delivered 20 pages.  Whether those 20 pages were good, I don’t know.  The reader and uhh...gardening enthusiast got back to me immediately with script notes which I really appreciate.  She seems to sort of enjoy it so far.  It’s far from the best stuff I’ve ever written, but I’m sure I’ll make it better with re-writes.  So, I lost $65. Anyways, for the first time in...maybe ever, I don’t look forward to the phone call I’ll be making to my pot dea...I mean...gardener. 

SHIT GETS EPIC...
Well okay, by epic I don’t mean I’m wagering an epic amount of money.  

So, it’s a new week and a new financial fuck myself challenge. This week I have a clear focus.  I’m in a writers group with 2 other people.  I’m not even sure what our writer’s group is called...I think it’s the Fuck Robert McKee Writers Group Extravaganza, or Do The Write Thing...I use the latter name when I mention the writers group on my resume.  Anyways, Scott started out a script that had a Twilight Zone like feel to it, wrote 5 pages then passed it off to Warren.  Then Warren wrote 5 pages and passed it off to me, then I wrote my bit then passed it back to Scott.  We’re almost at the very end of the script (now the 90 page mark)...so this week I need to stop procrastinating and write my final bit of the script, either 5 to 10 pages, then Scott will finish it off.  Ya know what, let's go with 10 pages. This is my last entry to it, so I'll go bigger.
If I don’t deliver the script to Warren and Scott by this Sunday at 11:59 PM, Warren’s $40 debt with me will be wiped clean.  I had thought of making a deal that I’d never be allowed to crack immature jokes about his homosexuality again, but that’s too big a risk.  Plus, he’d ultimately lose out on a shitload of laughter.  I don’t wish to deprive my friend of the best medicine in the world. He may live longer due to my "funny" immature gay jokes.
As for Scott...I don’t know, he makes way more money than I do, so I’ll just say that if I don’t deliver, I will never again try to force my musical taste down his throat.  No more showing up to his house with a burned CD being like, “Yo, you gotta check this band out!  They’re awesome!”  to him shortly getting back to me being like, “Yeah...didn’t really like it.”  That shit will end if I don’t deliver my part of the script.

A little more about the script, the working title is, The Epic Script.  Why?  Because it is motherfucking epic, that’s why.  The story is epic...well epic in just how fucked up and insane it gets...and how stupid it is as well. I may have been the first person to turn a somewhat intruiging concept into a total farce, but I think Scott and Warren out-farced me at times, and now it seems like a competition of who can out-farce the other person in the most epic way. Characters introduced by Scott would immediately get killed off when Warren takes over, and when Warren tries to introduce new characters, I kill them off, and so on...
On June 11th, 2009, when I finished my part and sent it to Scott for him to take over the script, here is the email he sent to Warren and I:

"Alright, yeah, that's it...I'm out. This is...I...what the fuck is wrong with youse guys? I don't want to have any part of this anymore. So I'm done. I'm out. This is just...really? Come on. I would like to take my name off of the credits and disown the both of you as friends."
We told him that if he stopped, he's not a real writer, we may have threatened him a little bit, and he reluctantly continued the epic script. Fast forward to today... 
Unfortunately for him, the epic script is still going, and worst of all...Warren and I are still his friends.
 
 
 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

The Diary of a wannabe writer - The financial fuck myself experiment....

My name is Jeff Ching and lately I’ve become one lazy fuck.  There was a point where I had a crazy amount of drive, and I had written 3 feature length screenplays in one year...but that was a time where I was unemployed and too fucking lazy to look for a job.  Now I have a job, but I’m too lazy to write screenplays.  As you can see, laziness is a part of my DNA.  Can I use that excuse?  A lot of people like to shit on lazy people, but...if I had a choice, I wouldn’t be lazy.  It’s God’s fault for putting that shit in my DNA. 

It’s also an unfortunate reality that all of us film school graduates have learned which is that the film industry simply sucks a lot of cock. Maybe I’ll save that for another blog, this isn’t going to turn into me bitching and whining. 

Anyways, it’s been a year and a half since I wrote anything.  I have a massive well of ideas, but I can’t seem to focus on one.  What also doesn’t help is having access to the best DVD collection in the world (yeah yeah, I’m sure people who’ve been over to my house will dispute this, but fuck you guys!! I have the best DVD collection in the world) often leads to getting home from work tired, and just wanting to watch something good. 

I need to do something about this.  Making a living off my screenwriting is still my ultimate dream, and not writing anything sure as hell isn’t the way to achieve it.  So, to give me some drive to get back into writing, I’m doing a little experiment on myself.  This is the financial fuck myself plan which makes more sense than America’s sequester plan.  So, I made a deal with a friend of mine.  On March 17th, I must deliver either 30 pages of a feature length screenplay, a short film script, 3 episodes of a webseries, or the pilot of a sitcom, and if I don’t deliver on this, I have to buy a quarter ounce of weed and give it to my friend for free.  For those of you non-stoners, that’s $65 I’m losing if I don’t deliver on this.  Perhaps I will do this every single week or every two weeks. 

Hopefully these financial threats will light a fire under my ass.  Who knows?  I made this deal with my friend on March 3rd, and I haven’t started writing anything yet.  In fact, this blog is the first thing I’ve written.  With that being said, I think I’m going to force myself to write one blog a week...I can’t guarantee they’ll be good.  I just want to write something honest about my quest to make a living off writing.  While I may have very few talents, there is one thing that I’m good at, correction...I’m fucking good at and that’s writing comedy.   Don’t get me wrong, I would trade my ability to write dick, poop and abortion jokes any day to be able to understand quantum mechanics, and be able to look at a mathematical formula and be like, “Ohhh...so that’s how the universe works.”  But, this is the talent I have...and perhaps putting on awesome laser shows, but uhh...I think I’m going to stick with my writing.  On March 18th, I will offer closure to this anecdote. 

Click here to go back to: The Ching of Comedy

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The top 10 best movies of 2012...

2012 for me was notable for a few things. For one, this was probably the best year for horror movies in a very very long time. Sinister, Cabin in the Woods, The Woman in Black, The Innkeepers; all really solid movies, with two of those making my top 10 list to which, I don't recall the last time two horrors made it into my list.

The overall quality of movies is a tad bit weaker this year than in 2011, though my pick for #1 is better than any 2011 release as well. So yeah, it's my #1 movie of both 2011 & 2012.

2012 was also a pretty bad year when it came to movies that didn't live up to the critical praise they received. Argo, Skyfall, Life of Pi, Silver Lining Playbook, Beasts of the Southern Wild, The Master...I left all those movies feeling quite let down. Every year has over-rated movies, but this year seemed to be worse for that. Or maybe I'm just turning into a philistine? I think this year's list has the least amount of arthouse movies of any year...in fact, my pick for #2 has maybe the shittiest plot of any movie this year. Yes I much prefer watching Abraham Lincoln open up a can of whoop ass on vampires than watching Pi Patel co-exist with a tiger on a boat...except for the part where Pi trips crazy balls. That part was cool! Why couldn't that go on for like 10 fucking minutes?

Perhaps the only movie to transcend the critical over-praise curse is my pick for #9 which I really hope wins for best picture at the Oscars. Let's move on.

Honorable mentions: Samsara, Cloud Atlas, This is 40, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Lincoln, Frankenweenie, Looper, Ted, The Woman in Black

10. Paranorman  **** (out of 5)

While as a stoner, I went into this movie wanting to trip crazy balls, I got something very different. While not as trippy as the likes of Coraline or Monster House, Paranorman ended up being a much deeper movie than I ever expected out of a movie about a little kid that sees ghosts. The movie's big climax is some of the best dramatic material I've seen out of any animated movie of the past few years, and the moral of the story about accepting people for their differences is very well delivered, un-heavy handed, and also leads to a great comedic twist near the end. People who didn't like the comedic twist obviously didn't get the moral and a bit on the bigotted side. ParaNorman is a good movie to show to your close minded friends; definitely the best animated movie of 2012.

9. Zero Dark Thirty **** (out of 5)

I talked a lot about the majority of movies with huge critical praise being letdowns. Zero Dark Thirty on the other hand is an exception; a movie that is fully worthy of being covered in movie critics' jizz. Zero Dark Thirty comes off especially strong when compared to the hugely over-rated based on a true story thriller Argo which really comes off as a cheap, very Hollywood-ized thriller (might I add that Zero Dark Thirty has a far more fascinating and well developed protagonist). I don't know how much of Zero Dark Thirty is true, but the movie feels very grounded in reality with very few moments that feel fake and are there just to amp up the suspense. I hope Zero Dark Thirty wins the Oscar for best picture.

Jessica Chastain who plays the most tenacious, confident, obsessive, and ballsy CIA agent is one of the most bad ass girls of any movie, and all the Oscar buzz around her performance is fully warranted. Here is a character who's entire purpose in life is to find Bin Laden. There is no time for any kind of personal life outside of her goal.

At 2 hours 40 minutes, the movie flies by very quickly and its long run time is fully warranted. All the clues, the controversial use of torture to get information, the false leads, the sacrifices made and the danger faced by the CIA to find him, the brilliance of how well the taliban hid him, and the clues that eventually lead to him, might I add the uncertainty of the final attack is all extremely fascinating stuff. Even with the audience knowing how it all ends, the movie still manages to do a masterful job of being suspenseful. Arguably the most difficult man hunt in human history makes for a very captivating movie.

8. End of watch **** (out of 5)

In a tiresome genre of cop buddy action/comedies where the police turn into unrealistic action heroes and blow lots of shit up, it's so refreshing to get a movie like End of Watch which is grounded in reality with great dramatic depth and presents two very realistic cop characters who take their jobs of protecting the streets very seriously. They may bend a few rules here and there, but you'd overall be glad to have cops like this patrolling your streets.

 Jake Gyllenhall and Michael Pena have such a natural chemistry together. There are many hilarious conversations between them, poking fun at each other, knowing how to push each other's buttons, but there is no doubt in the audience's minds that these two guys will die for each other. They are truly brothers from different mothers. The camerederie between them is so well done that when the big climax arrives, it is far more intense than just about any other cop movie out there. That's why taking time to develop your characters is so important, might I add having a script that doesn't follow conventions either. When you have no clue whether the protagonists will live or die, it makes for a much more gripping experience. The way the movie ends is perfect.

7. The Cabin in the woods **** (out of 5)

What a movie of batshit insanity! This is definitely one of the most original horror movies in a long time...though whether it should be classified as a horror is questionable, as the movie has a lot of fun with parodying the horror genre, taking horror movie cliches and turning them on their heads. Some people may argue this movie is more of a comedy, or perhaps even a postmodern stoner comedy/horror, as it not only has the best horror movie stoner character of all time, but I would bet anything that the people who came up with the idea for this movie were baked out of their minds; maybe they go to the same dealer as the creators of the Adult Swim show Superjail (though Cabin doesn't quite match the insanity of Superjail).I love how the movie feeds all the familiar cliches of a "teens going camping horror"  and goes in a completely different direction that is pretty much impossible to guess.

When I complain about the horror cliche of having mind numbingly dumb horror movie characters, it's nice to get The Cabin in the Woods that takes the cliched characters ie: the virgin, the stoner, the jock, the slut, but adds dimensions and depth to them. If you're a film nerd, you will totally nerd out to the way this completely fucks with the horror genre. If you're not, just enjoy the very unpredictable road the movie takes. Horror movies like this one are very rare. And yeah, I recommend getting high for this movie.

6. Premium Rush ****1/2 (out of 5)

Wow, talk about a movie trascending its very mediocre trailers. Who knew that a movie about bicycle messengers would turn out to be the 2nd best action movie of the year?! These bicycle chases kick the shit out of just about every car chase in every other Hollywood movie. Premium Rush is an exhilerating movie, that's so alive, so full of energy, and directed with such a fresh style that at times reminded me of Run Lola Run. Kind of like how Lola shows the fate of a character due to being at an exact place at an exact time (chaos theory I believe?), Premium Rush has a fun play on that, showing 3 different scenarios of what kind of death and pain will happen to the main character  or other pedestrians depending on what path he takes down a busy intersection, whether he goes left, goes right, or speeds right through.

David Koepp understands what goes into making a great chase scene. Part of it is making the audience able to see everything that goes on, and not using the very irritating shaky cam approach and shots lasting 2 seconds each where you can't see what the fuck is going on. The chase scenes are varied, with a good dose of slapstick comedy added in, which includes a cop who's biking skills are not nearly up to par as the protagonist. The last scene involving that cop character is easily the best comedic pay off of the movie which received a huge laugh and applause from the crowd.

Joseph Gordon Levitt once again proves why he's one of the most talented young actors out there, while Michael Shannon is my pick for the best villain of 2012. For an actor who's the go to guy to play a totally fucked up role, he has so much fun in what might be his most normal role to date, might I add he is absolutely fucking hilarious! He hams his performance up just right, and his angry outbursts make for great comedy. Somebody, make a movie about anger management and cast Michael Shannon! While not as good as Run Lola Run, I think a Premium Rush/Run Lola Run double bill would be a lot of fun.

5. Sinister ****1/2 (out of 5)

After a very impressive horror movie debut with Exorcism of Emily Rose, and an even more impressive follow up with Sinister, director Scott Derrickson truly is the name to look out for in the horror genre. If Sinister is not him in his prime and he ends up making an even better horror movie in the future...who knows, there's a good chance that movie will end up #1 on my top 10 list of whatever year that movie comes out. I'm getting totally off topic here, enough of this bullshit tangeant.

Yes, it's not the most original movie, it does resort to a fair amount of horror cliches, and it's not as original as The Cabin in the Woods. However, Sinister is simply horror movie filmmaking at its best. This is the best horror I've seen since The Descent, and it takes a massive demonic shit all over every other haunted house horror. 

Sinister tells a fascinating horror story that is really dark, fucked up, and surprisingly uncompromising, and it also uses the found footage approach intelligently and never comes off contrived (most horror movies use it in a ridiculous way...who the fuck would still be holding a camera when being chased by a ghost?). What would you do if you moved into a house, found a box of films which were footage of the camera man murdering people in different, brutal, fucked up ways? I think there were 5 different films, and they get increasingly more and more fucked up.

Sinister most strongly succeeds at doing what horror movies should set out to do, which is to scare people. Very few horrors have held me in suspense, made my heart pound like a motherfucker (this was seriously the best simile I can come up with) and delivered phenomenal pop ups that are a lot more than just loud sounds in quiet moments. Yes, some may argue that pop ups are not that difficult, but when they stay in your memory well after the movie's over, then you know the filmmaker has done something right. Mark my words, Scott Derrickson will be known as one of the best horror movie directors of this decade.

4. The Impossible ****1/2 (out of 5)

This movie is simply the most visceral experience of any movie this year. The true story of a family's survival in the devastating Tsunami of 2004 that killed over 200,000 people in South Asia is captured in such gritty, realistic, haunting detail.
The movie does such a good job of putting you in the survivors' shoes and experiencing what a daunting ordeal it must have been to be there. While most disaster movies are content on simply having CGI orgies of special effects and cool explosions, The Impossible's tsunami scene is perhaps the most harrowing 10 minutes of any movie this year. Instead of marvelling at cool effects, you can't help but feel nothing but sheer horror. The way the movie's shot makes gives you a more "You are there" feeling than any 3-D movie I saw this year. I think the director of Children of Men would approve of this movie's shooting style.
It's an absolute testament to the director Juan Antonio Bayona filmmaking that the movie can take you on the same emotional roller coaster the real family must have been through. When a character's head pops out of the water, seeing nobody, terrified and feeling hopeless, I felt that hopelessness. When Lucas who assumed that his brothers were dead re-unites with his 2 brothers, and the 3 of them cry tears of joy, I couldn't help but cry my own tears of joy. Before calling me a pussy, I'll just say that weed makes me more emotional. Really though, this may be the biggest tear jerking movie of 2012, but I think it's well earned, and I didn't feel like I was being manipulated by the director. 

Most of all, it's a beautiful movie despite all the carnage and tragedy. It's a movie about a disaster bringing out the best in people. Henry (Ewan McGregor) knows that his two youngest boys are okay, but he has no clue whether his wife (Naomi Watts) or oldest son Lucas (Tom Holland) are alive or dead. His unrelenting search until he finds them is very touching.

Despite Naomi Watts putting on the best performance by far (for the best actress Oscar, it's a really tough call between her and Jessica Chastain), Lucas (the oldest son) is the most fascinating character, and the person who grows and matures the most out of the whole ordeal. The scenes of him running around the hospital and helping parents find their kids are really touching and you can't help but believe that this person will grow up into a truly amazing human being and maybe change the world for the better.

I watched Life of Pi a few days after this one, and Pi really came off as such an underwhelming movie in comparison that left me feeling...really nothing at the end. Maybe I would have liked it more had I not seen The Impossible a few days before? The Impossible is a movie I have to urge everyone to go see in a theatre unless you have totally bad ass home theatre with surround sound. Out of every movie that's out right now, this is the one that you must watch in the theatre. Do it!!

3. Stories We Tell ****1/2 (out of 5)

Note: This movie was only released in Canada last year. I hear that it will eventually get a release in the U.S hopefully this year.

Sarah Polley truly is one of Canada's most talented directors. Away From Her and Take This Waltz are both very good in their own ways, but this documentary Sarah Polley made about her own life and the shocking family revelations she discovered late in her adult years is easily her best work; it's fascinating, very moving, and some of what she uncovers about her own family is some crazy ass shit. This low key documentary has more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie, the key difference being that the twists in this movie are actually good. This documentary is a big jigsaw puzzle that slowly gets assembled piece by piece, little bits of information here and there being assembled to form the big story. Movie critic Eli Glasner called it the Rashomon of home movies. For how self reflexive the movie is and how much of the filmmaking process is mentioned within all the family drama, I'd maybe call this the ADAPTATION of documentaries (I'm referring to the brilliant Charlie Kaufman written movie starring Nicolas Cage where Kaufman writes himself into the movie, showing the agonizing process of writing the movie that you are watching). There's so much going on in the movie that it really had potential to fall into massive clusterfuck territory, but it manages to stay organized despite so many different ideas being explored. In fact, this review is probably more clusterfucked than the movie itself. On a deeper level, I'll quote Eli Glasner's review, "The film is about all of us: how we remember, how we self-edit our own lives and what gaps in the narrative say about us." Here's his review if you want to read it:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/arts/the-buzz/2012/10/film-review-stories-we-tell.html
This is the best movie to come out of Canada in quite a long time. I went in to the theatre not all that excited, worried that it might be slow and kind of boring; documentaries in general just don't excite me hence why I've never stepped foot in Hotdocs. However, close to the end of the movie, I didn't want it to end. I could have spent 3 hours with Sarah Polley's extremely fascinating, insightful, and really intelligent family. Seriously...every single person in Sarah's family is fucking brilliant...it's no wonder why she herself turned into a brilliant filmmaker.

I knew walking into the movie that Sarah Polley's mother died when Sarah was just a kid and that Sarah later learned that her mother had an affair. She also learned that her father is actually not her biological dad (the fucked up part being that her father has no clue about this at all, and we get the scene where Sarah spills the beans to her dad). The dad's reaction and reflection about the whole thing and the way he puts it all into perspective is truly the most beautiful part of the movie. Or how about the scene where...okay, maybe I should end it there. There's quite a few more revelations that I just shouldn't give away.

One thing I've always liked about being in the arts, whether you're a director, author, screenwriter, an emo band, whatever...you can take the pain in your life and turn it into art, and sometimes the best art possible. Sarah Polley has taken a massive clusterfuck of shocking revelations and conflicting emotions and turned it into one of the best documentaries I've ever seen with far more emotional resonance than any of her fiction movies (which is a huge compliment, seeing that her movies are fucking good). Despite all the tears that are shed, the confusion, and interpersonal conflicts, Stories We Tell is full of comedic moments that come from the sadness (Sarah Polley's dad breaking down crying from one her questions then criticizing her for being a ruthless filmmaker is fucking hilarious!), and overall ends on an upbeat note. This may be quite a tear jerking movie, but I think you'll finish the movie feeling uplifted. It's a really beautiful movie.

2. The Raid: Redemption ****1/2 (out of 5)

My pick for #2 is not only the weakest script of my top 10, but also has the shittiest plot. Those shortcomings however are incredibly minor with action scenes that are this good! Best martial arts movie of all time? I think so! While I wouldn't go so far as to call this the best action movie of all time, I sure as hell wouldn't argue with anyone who did.

This was probably the most fun movie to watch with a big audience of people laughing, cringing, and screaming, "Holy shit!" at so many gruesomely violent moments, or just martial arts moves that were so fucking bad ass. I love how the movie progresses...first the plot is explained in the first 2 minutes of the movie. A bunch of cops are trapped in a building full of a myriad number of cold blooded gangsters with machine guns and awesome martial arts skills. BAM. That's all you need.

Then there's lots of cool gun fights (including a close up shot of one guy getting shot in the face like 4 fucking times), followed by people getting fucked up by machetes, then the majority of the movie being totally bad ass hand to hand combat (very well filmed and choreographed), with a certain someone's throat being sliced by the broken glass of a light bulb along the way, or the protagonist grabbing someone by the head, jumping backwards and impaling his throat with the bottom of a door frame. It's nice when every single actor in the movie is an awesome martial artist as opposed to Jet Li kicking the shit out of a bunch of jobbers who look like they'd lose a fight to your average street thug or pimp.

The award for the most bad ass henchman of all time goes to this movie. We get a villain who puts a gun to a cop's head, leads him into a room, empties the bullets out of a gun and makes a speech about how guns are boring and murdering people with his hands is way more fun. That villain later on tortures the protagonist's brother, and when the protagonist comes in to save the day, what does he do? He unchains the brother and decides to fight both guys at the same time. That leads to maybe one of the best fight scenes of all time. (Though if I have a minor nitpick, these guys really outta learn some basic Brazilian jiu-jitsu. There were like so many arm triangle opportunities they never jumped on.)

Yes, call me a philistine for picking this as #2. Being the best martial arts movie ever...I think that deserves a very high spot in an end of the year top 10. For those who haven't seen the movie yet, here's one fight scene...my favorite part is definitely around the 1:43 mark.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ohqoc6BTsU&feature=player_embedded

The Oscars suck for not giving this movie a best foreign film nomination. Okay, maybe the script sucked and the movie had no substance, but I think martial arts choreography this good is more impressive than watching an old woman slowly die in Amour and the husband being all like, "Oh shit!! What do I do?!?!"

1. The Grey ***** (out or 5)

I saw this movie in the theatre back in February and when I walked out, I was almost 100% sure that this would be my #1 at the end of the year. If I was a critic who's opinion mattered, I would have done a Gene Siskel type quote saying, "You won't see a better movie this year" (trivia: What movie in the 90s did Gene Siskel say that for?)
Talk about a movie absolutely transcending expectations...I thought I was walking into a movie about Liam Neeson karate kicking wolves in the face...directed by the same dude who did directed the incredibly stupid and lame A-Team re-make...forgive me for having low expecations. What I got was an intense, emotionally powerful, and surprisingly deep, existential, thought provoking, and poetic movie about coming to terms with death, and what truly matters in life. To quote Wael Khairy's review, "The Grey explores man's most frightening questions, the reason we're on this planet, if there's an afterlife or if "dead is dead". What makes this film so scary to me aren't the wolves, but the fact that it encapsulates so much of what we fear as human beings, our fear of heights, flights, drowning or dying alone."

For film nerds out there who saw the movie, I recommend reading this analysis by Wael Khairy. It analyzes the movie's subtext really well, bringing up points I had never thought of, but really seem to make sense. I hope that one day my film criticism writing will be as smart and well written as this dude's:

http://blogs.suntimes.com/foreignc/2012/10/they-grey.html

This is not to say that The Grey is some slow paced art film. What makes it so good is that it works on every level it tries to achieve; as an entertaining survival action thriller, as a comedy (it's not a comedy, but it has some really funny moments), and a movie with really powerful drama that also leaves a lot of room for debate and interpretation. This movie needs to be studied and dissected in film schools. The movie is packed with action and horror, and the wolves are some scary, menacing motherfuckers. The completey dark shots with the wolves' eyes glowing are haunting.

The Grey also gives us 3 dimensional characters with very different personalities and differing ideologies on life. Due to the fact that the movie does take its time to develop its characters, it makes the audience actually care whether each person lives and dies, and it also makes the deaths far more dramatic than your average survival movie. 90% of survival movies out there, do we really give a shit if the characters live or die?

The way that this movie sidesteps cliches is also very nice. There's one character Diaz who's a wannabe tough guy, constantly giving Ottway (Liam Neeson) a hard time. Most survival movies would have had Diaz being the protagonist's antagonistic force, or the guy who eventually becomes the villain, putting everyone's lives in danger. That's at least what I predicted would happen, but The Grey is too good for that, and the direction they go with Diaz's character at the end absolutely blew me away; I hate to over-use the word poetic, but it really is.

I hate to keep shit all over cliches, but one annoying cliche is that the protagonist of every survival movie must be absolutely fearless in the face of the most horrifying danger. I love the way The Grey looks at his notion of masculinity, and this dialogue that the protagonist Ottway has with Diaz is brilliant. Thanks again to Wael Khairy's review:

Diaz: Cause I wanna live, motherfucker. Do you understand that? I don't want some Timberwolf shittin' me out on this mountain.
Ottway: You're scared.
Diaz: What?
Ottway: You don't need all that nonsense, all that chest puff bullshit. What's wrong with being scared?
Diaz: I'm not scared.
Ottway: You're not?
Diaz: No.
Ottway: I'm terrified.
Diaz: I can tell.
Ottway: And not an ounce of shame in saying it. I'm scared shitless.
Diaz: That's because you're a punk. I don't walk through this world with fear in my heart.
Ottway: You pick that up in the pen? Somebody scribble that in the day room wall?
Diaz: You better take it easy, motherfucker.
Ottway: Talking tough means jackshit now. You're not scared? You're a fool. Worse, you're a fucking liar.

I'm not sure how else to approach this review? Should I mention individual powerful moments? After the plane crash, Ottway (Liam Neeson) walks around the wreckage, seeing dead bodies everywhere and finds a man who's on the verge of dying. He's lost a lot of blood, and he's in tears. Ottway sits with him, looks him in the eyes and says, "Here's what's happening. You are going to die." He then talks him through the death, asking him who he loves the most, the man's answer being his daughter, and Ottway calmly tells him to think about his daughter and let her take him away, leading him to a peaceful death. This is the single most powerful scene in a very long time and one that I will never forget.

This is not only Liam Neeson's best performance ever, but easily the best performance of this year, and it baffles me how the Oscars and Globes ignored his performance. The image that still haunts me is the opening 10 minutes when we see Liam Neeson walk out into the cold and stick a gun into his mouth (pretty morbid way to begin a movie). We see the face of someone who's life is completely void of any kind of joy and how ironic it is that the movie ends with this suicidal man with nothing, fighting for his life.

There have been a lot of stupid complaints about the movie, the most obvious one being the unrealistic depiction of wolves as savages. THE MOVIE IS NOT ABOUT THE WOLVES, MOTHERFUCKERS!! The wolves are simply devices to ask a lot of philosophical questions. At the theatre I was at, one guy screamed, "Bullshit!" at the ambiguous ending. That person clearly didn't get the point of the movie. If you understand the movie's subtext, the ending is perfect. The Grey is the most criminally under-rated movie of the past few years, and hopefully what happened to The Shawshank Redemption years after its underwhelming theatrical reception will happen to The Grey.

RANDOM MISC. AWARDS:

best stoner movie of 2012:
Samsara
(this movie has to be seen in HD. Don't settle for a DVD. If you have to bring a blu ray disc to someone else's house because you don't have a blu ray player, then do it. Maybe offer to bring the weed/shrooms/LSD for that night. If you could watch the movie with a buddhist that might increase your mind trip even more. I was watching it really stoned, and my buddhist dad walked in and explained certain buddhist philosophies for certain scenes, and added to my head trip. Just watch the trailer and you'll understand the movie's trippyness:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcEj1m6YIDc

Best ending to a movie:
No huge stand outs this year...I think I'll go with Zero Dark Thirty. No, not Bin Laden dying, but the way the movie concludes the story of the protagonist. What's next for her when Bin Laden pretty much became her life?

Best 3-D:
I'm not going to give it to any movie as I was not really impressed with any movie's 3-D this year. I'll just give to one scene in Life of Pi when Pi trips crazy balls. That was awesome in 3-D. Why couldn't the rest of the movie's 3-D be that awesome?

Most Intense do it yourself abortion scene of all time:
Prometheus. That was some crazy ass shit. This was no do it yourself coat hanger abortion like in American Horror Story, she had to use some really complex machinery to get a fucking alien out of her womb. That's probably the only thing I remember about the movie. This is one abortion case that I sure hope Republicans would be okay with, but who can really understand the brains of those batshit crazy people.

Biggest tear jerking movie of the year:
The Impossible

Best performance of the year:
By far Liam Neeson in The Grey. How he didn't get nominated by the Oscars or The Globes...I don't fucking know.

Best villain:
Michael Shannon in Premium Rush

Best duo:
Easy choice: Jake Gyllenhall and Michael Pena in End of Watch. Their camerederie is really what makes the movie. Probably my favorite duo of any cop movie.

Best Documentary:
Stories We tell...though it might be the only doc I saw this year, so maybe it's not fair, but fuck it! We need to support Canadian cinema damnit!

Click here to go back to The Ching of Comedy

Friday, September 28, 2012

My letter/pitch to James Cameron to let me write the sequel to Avatar

Dear James Cameron,

Avatar was arguably one of the most epic movies ever made. I understand that you are planning a sequel, but you must be scratching your head thinking, "How do I top part 1? How can I make it even more epic?" I have your answer and this pitch just may blow your mind. I present to you Avatar 2: Fear and Loathing in Pandora.

Fade in to Pandora, 1 year later. Everything is back to normal, but Jake…he ain’t doing so well.

Jake Sully is not happy in Pandora. His relationship with Neytiri is not going so well. He’s having trouble satisfying Neytiri, because as a human he had a premature ejaculation problem which has carried over to his avatar body. Right when Jake and Neytiri hook up their hair tentacle thingies…BAM!...he’s blown his load. And, blue splooge? Ewww, gross! That is something Jake still has not gotten used to. He loves Neytiri, and he starts on a quest, to learn from the other Na’Vi how to satisfy his woman.

Jake misses his life as a human. He just can’t relate to these na’vi. However, when the calendar hits April 20th there’s a celebration. It turns out both humans and Na’Vi celebrate 4/20; the key difference being that the Na’vi don’t get high on weed…they get high on eywooaah: plants which they hook up their hair tentacle thingies to. The way that humans trip balls on shrooms is absolutely nothing compared to the way Na’Vi trip balls on eywooaah. What would happen here would be the absolute craziest 3-D scene ever put on film. This scene would be shot in the POV of Jake Sully, where through his eyes you see what it’s like to trip out on eywooaah. I’m talking crazy 3-D tunnel sequences, really trippy objects in fully gimmicky 3-D mode flying at the audience. Jake Sully tripping balls should be a 10 minute scene. While I’m sure it’d be tempting to make the entire movie Jake Sully tripping balls, we do need to tell a story rather than just entertain stoners (not that there is anything wrong with wanting to make a movie for the sole purpose of entertaining stoners). I know I’m not the only person who wondered what it’d be like to trip out on Na’vi drugs.

Jake can’t handle this high, and he jumps on to the dragon and flies around. You know how drinking and driving is not cool? Well getting high and flying a dragon…that is sooo not fucking cool at all! Jake gets wreckless, and crashes the dragon into the tree of souls, demolishing it. The Na’Vi close in on Jake and as they’re about to beat the shit out of him, here comes Neytiri to save him. She pleads with them to not touch him. They figure out that the tree of souls has metaphysical powers, and they could potentially connect with Eywa in a metaphysical way, but it involves having to reach nirvana. The only way to reach nirvana is to do 5 plant hits of eywooaah which is insane. Neytiri steps in for the challenge to save Jake, but Jake insists that they must do it together.

On Earth, a nuclear bomb is accidently activated. Its mutation is so bad, dead humans rise from their graves in zombie form. However, these zombies are no joke. In fact, they make 28 Days Later zombies look like pussies; what makes them scary is that they can walk, talk, and function like human beings. Anyways Pablo Escobar’s zombie and his gang of zombies all stumble into the avatar control centre and maul everyone there. They then discover the avatar technology and they find out about the Eywooaah. Pablo Escobar’s zombie must have this drug! Think about how much money can be made. They grab all these awesome weapons and make avatars of themselves. There’s no explanation for how Pablo Escobar’s gang of zombies know how to operate this complex avatar technology…you just have to suspend your disbelief. Anyways, they all transport into Pandora and what a time to capitalize…when they‘re all tripping balls on 4/20.

Because they’re zombies turned into avatars, their avatars are deadlier and more evil. They can shoot blue lava out of their eyes. The Na’vi put up their best fight, but they are no match for these evil zombie avatars run by Pablo Escobar. Tied up and captured, Pablo’s gang take their time stealing their eywooaah plants. They laugh at how easy this takeover was. Unknown to them, they have forgotten about one person they should not be fucking with: Jake motherfucking Sully!

After Jake’s colossal fuck up, he must right the wrong by saving the day. The hallucinations are too much for him to handle. They’re controlling him. He just wants those hallucinatory rainbow colored flying spiders to leave him alone. He stops, breathes, postures up and says, “My hallucinations won’t control me. I control them!” and right there he all of a sudden can control his hallucinations. Deciding that he needs to one up himself on this rescue mission, he does the most bad ass thing he has ever done in his entire life. He gets his dragon high on eywooaah; him and his dragon, united, high out of their fucking minds are going to save the day! He flies in with his dragon and Pablo Escobar starts to laugh at Jake’s pathetic attempt at a rescue. Jake closes his eyes then…his really trippy hallucinations appear. Giant multi colored flying spiders attack the gang, shooting spider webs made out of a lava/sulfuric acid mix. All the Na’vi are shocked at Jake’s amazing feat. Jake frees them all, as Pablo Escobar’s gang retreats. They’ll be back!

While this goes on, Neytiri stays behind to try to reach Nirvana. She meditates, hooks her hair tentacles thingy to the fallen tree and starts having conversations with The tree of Souls. As she’s hooked in, her body starts shaking like crazy and convulsing. This is very intense. In another trippy 3-D scene, we go into Neytiri’s head as she’s haunted by trippy, metaphorical representations of anger, attachments, and obsessions that chase her all over the place. She tries to get away, but they consume her. This is where Avatar 2 can turn all avante garde. How about that? A little avante garde in a biggest epic blockbuster movie ever.

Back on Earth, Pablo Escobar seeks help from another dangerous gangster; Al Capone’s zombie. As Pablo, Al Capone and all their gangster zombies form together, ready to attack, Jake Sully is getting everyone on Pandora ready for the attack. This is their land, damnit and this is their eywooaah. Jake says urges them to step it up a notch; all the Na’vi must do 5 hits of eywooaah, and learn to have control over their hallucinations. He tells them, “You are Na’vi! You are strong! I know how you’re all thinking, hallucinations…they aren’t real. But guess what? They can be! Do 5 hits of eywooaah, and just believe in yourself. Be in control of your hallucination, show it who’s boss, and you know what? They’ll come to life. Just believe!”

The whole tribe cheers. The energy is electric! Someone says to Jake, “Maybe if you just believe in YOURSELF, Jake…you could satisfy Neytiri in bed.” Jake thinks about this and contemplates.

Cut to a montage of the Na’vi getting ridiculously ripped on eywooaah.

The gangs of zombie avatars are back! The fight is on. The Na’vi aren’t doing so well. They can’t tell the difference between real and hallucination. They are fighting the zombie avatars and their own hallucinations. This is too much. They can’t handle this! They are getting slaughtered. Jake’s hallucinations are fighting back, but getting destroyed.

As things get more and more hopeless, we go back to Neytiri. She is now in a calm, meditative state. In her mind she is having a conversation with Eywa on the meaning of life, what it means to be Na’vi, and finding her place in life in Pandora. As another 3-D sequence goes back into her head, all the metaphorical representations of anger, temptation and obsessions attack her, but they do nothing to her at all. She closes her eyes, as her body lights up and makes everything explode into a beautiful paradise. Neytiri has reached nirvana, as the Tree of Souls slowly starts to re-erect.

The whole Na’vi tribe look in awe as the tree of souls is erecting itself back into its original shape. They smile. Things will work out just fine.

All the Na’vi scream, “Hallucinations, we control you!” as the most fucking bad ass hallucinations come to life and beat the living shit out of the zombie avatars. Their blue lava shots aren’t doing shit. Jellyfish made out of lasers, the dark unicorns of death, giant killer pink rabbits…an epic battle commences, but the hallucinations win. As Pablo Escobar tries to escape, Jake Sully and Neytiri beat the living shit out of him. Like, they beat him up…to death…WITH THEIR FISTS. If you have this shot in 3-D, it should be from Escobar’s POV, and having the fists coming out in 3-D, so the audience can feel what it is like to take a Jake Sully and Neytiri ass whooping.

Everything is back to normal. Jake sweeps Neytiri off her feet and says, “Ready for your first orgasm?!”

She nods, but then stops. She has an even better idea.

Next thing, they are doing another 5 hits of eywooaah. Not only will they be making love, their hallucinations will be making love as well. Then…

THE END.

Does Jake Sully end up satisfying Neytiri? Find out in Avatar 3!

I bet that when you were reading this, you envisioned this entire movie in your head, then when you got to the end you were like, “Wow…that is an awesome movie!” Please, let your voices be heard! Tell James Cameron, you want Jeff Ching to write the screenplay for Avatar 2.

Thanks for reading.



Jeff