I've got a bone to pick with Miller Lite's "Man up" commercials...

If you're not familiar with the commercials I'm talking about, here's one of them:



The typical formula of these commercials: a guy asks for a light beer, he's asked if he cares how it tastes to which he replies no. The bartender then insults his manhood and tells him that she'll give him a miller lite once he stops being a little bitch. They'll have some lame joke about how this man is also carrying a purse, or wearing a skirt.

For one, if you're a bartender and love miller lite and want to expose everyone to it, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BOTHER ASKING IF THEY CARE HOW LIGHT BEER TASTES? WHY NOT JUST GIVE THEM A FUCKING MILLER LITE WHEN THEY ASK FOR LIGHT BEER?!

That logic already seems very illogical. There's another commercial which bothers me even more, which I unfortunately can't find on youtube.

It has a bunch of guys on a camping trip. Everyone is drinking miller lite except for one guy who's drinking a can of light beer. They all make fun of him. The commercial ends with him drinking miller lite just like the rest of his buddies.

These commercials are subtly sending a bad message about peer pressure and conformity. All it takes is a little teasing and then the one oddball conforms to the gang and drinks Miller Lite just like the rest. That's all it takes...a little teasing. These are the kind of people that probably became smokers because their smoker friends in school called them a pussy and they're like, "Oh God, I don't want to become a pussy! I'll poison my lungs and get addicted to a product that kills hundreds of thousands of people a year to show how much of a pussy I'm not!"

As far as I'm concerned, these characters aren't liberated for drinking miller lite. They are simply showing how weak they are. Who knows what happens after that one person has been converted to Miller Lite? Maybe his friends are like, "By the way, we want to re-start the Nazi movement and rid the world of Jews. Can I get a Heil Hitler?" That character with a skirt probably ended up in a tattoo parlour getting a Swastika on his arm, while downing a miller lite.

Some of you may be like, "Oh God! Don't be like Fox news with Nazi analogies"...well, in my case I'm trying to use a Nazi analogy to be funny, so STFU!

I can personally attest to being that guy in the Miller Lite commercial, but in my case it's guys drinking beer and me drinking Smirnoff Ice. (Note: I no longer drink Smirnoff Ice because my stomach can't handle it anymore. Maybe I'm not woman enough for smirnoff ice?)

I constantly got, "What the fuck? You're drinking a woman's drink, woman."
Well...hey asshole, Smirnoff Ice has 7% alcohol a bottle while your Coors Light has 4%. I'm gonna get drunk way faster than you do...4 bottles of smirnoff ice is the alcoholic equivalent to 7 bottles of Coors Light.

If Shake Weight was around back then, I would totally be downing a Smirnoff Ice with one hand, while working out with the shakeweight with the other hand simulatenously. I don't care how unmanly that looks. I'm getting drunk while having a good work out at the same time.

Anyways, Miller Lite needs to stop telling people to "Man up" by doing what everyone else is doing. There is absolutely nothing manly about conformity. Conformity is for the weak-minded. Independant thought is way under-rated.

To quote a very wise white man, Vanilla Ice: "Be true to yourself! If you ain't bein true to yourself, YOU AIN'T BEIN TRUE TO NOBODY!!"

So if you find yourself at a bar asking for a light beer and the bartender starts to insult your manliness for not wanting miller lite answer with, "You know what? I change my mind. Get me a Shirley Temple with Vodka, motherfucker!"


Click here to go back to The Ching of Comedy website

The Most over-rated movies of 2010

If you haven't yet read my top 10 best movies of 2010 list, check it out:

http://thechingofcomedy.blogspot.com/2011/01/top-10-best-movies-of-2010.html

I've decided to make the most over-rated movies blog its own thing and not lump it with the "Shit stains of 2010". In most cases, these over-rated movies are good, but simply not the masterpieces that many people think they are. Plus, it's more challenging to start shit with actual respected movies. Picking on Megan Fox for being a shitty actress isn't particulary challenging. We all know the only reason she's casted is because she's hot.

Prepare for long reads, as I'm sure people who love these movies (to which there are many) want good, concrete reasons as to why I think these movies are over-rated. Admittedly, my write up of Despicable Me isn't as complete as I wanted it to be, but that's because it's not as fresh in my mind as some of the others.

Without further ado, here is my list. 2 of the movies have showed up on just about every critic's top 10 list.

Inception
Rating: ***

Before I go on with my own reasons for this movie's over-ratedness, I very highly recommend reading this absolutely hilarious spoof script someone wrote of Inception which hilariously highlights all the flaws of the movie:

http://www.the-editing-room.com/inception.html

I will tell you right now, what you will read from me is not nearly as clever as the link above. But, if you're here to read what I think, then keep reading.

I gave this movie 2 viewings before writing this. On my 2nd viewing, I was actually very into the first half and thought maybe I was wrong about the movie the first time. Then the 2nd half of the movie rolled around, and I was surprised at how unengaged I was.

I wish someone travelled into Christopher Nolan's head, stole the idea of Inception and planted it into the brain of Charlie Kaufman or Richard Linklater. While I enjoyed Inception, I couldn't help but think there was potential for so much more. A movie with such a creative premise just doesn't really deliver all it could have.

A movie about dreams should have a more surreal, free spirited feel to it. Inception's treatment of the dream state just feels very mechanical and wooden. It's like, "5 minutes of real time calculates out to exactly 1 hour dream time." No, it doesn't! Shut the fuck up! To quote Jim Emerson's blog titled, "Has Christopher Nolan forgotten how to dream?, "The emotional components of dreaming (not to mention the universal archetypes) are nowhere to be found. No shame, lust, embarrassment, exhilaration; no flying, nakedness in public, pop quizzes, "actor's nightmares," quicksand floors, teeth falling out... There are lots of guns, and even those aren't anything but... guns."

It's also because Christopher Nolan has such an impressive resume that the movie left me feeling disappointed. Was expecting a Nolan movie to blow me away expecting too much? Was expecting a sci-fi movie with this creative of a premise to be better than The Matrix which came out 11 years ago expecting too much? People who say Inception is better than The Matrix, that just perplexes me. Both movies set up very fascinating premises in the first half, and then turn into all out action movies in the 2nd. Compare the two. At least The Matrix's action scenes are directed with such creative style. The Matrix truly transcends your typically Hollywood blockbuster making its action so unique and different from everything else.

While Inception has that really cool hotel action scene that everyone remembers, the rest of the action in the entire 2nd half comes off flat. Especially the snow fortress dream level is nothing but the main characters shooting and beating up a bunch of random dudes in winter coats...oh yeah, those people in winter coats represent the subconscious.

a.) Couldn't Nolan more creatively represent the subconscious than just a bunch of random dudes with guns...who have horrible aim might I add? Where is the imagination here? He could have done some very abstract or twisted stuff. Nolan seems content with conforming to the old Hollywood rule that if someone shoots at you with a gun, all you have to do is duck and cover your head, and he'll miss.

Remember the movie The Cell? A serial killer is in a coma, and they need to access information in his head, so Jennifer Lopez is hooked up to a machine, where she gets transported into the serial killer's mind. Now this is an example of a director who thinks big and comes up with some really creative imagery to represent what goes on in someone's brain.

b.) These action scenes are just boring! There's no intensity, no excitement. Random dudes we know nothing about get shot, the main characters plant explosions...lots and lots of explosions, oh right and then there are lots and lots of explosions too. I had to check the credits to see if the movie was co-directed by Michael Bay.

We could see this shit in James Bond movies, or even Vin Diesel fuck people up while snowboarding in XXX. This is a movie about dreams, give us something different! You teased at some cool shit, like Ellen Page having a city fold like a taco...why not incorporate that shit into your action scenes in the 2nd half?

Ellen Page...I am such a huge fan of hers, but what a flat, hammy performance she puts on, and what an empty character she plays in this movie. As others have pointed out, the sole purpose of her character in the movie is to ask questions about the plot that the audience has in mind. That's it.

For a brilliant architecture she's supposed to be, she's not really that smart. She's all like, "Oh my god! Cobb tells us not to do certain things, and then he does them himself! Oh my god!" or "These aren't your dreams! These are your memories!!! You're trying to keep her alive!"...wow, it sure took you long enough to figure that one out! Woah, people who lost loved ones trying to keep them alive in memories...how shocking!!

Many people have pointed out that the dialogue in the movie...it sucks. Here's an example which I'll quote from A D Jameson's brilliant criticism of the movie "17 ways to criticize Inception. Here's the link if you want to read it, it's a very long read:

http://bigother.com/2010/08/08/seventeen-ways-of-criticizing-inception/

Here's the exerpt from his blog:

======================================
The worst example comes late in the film, during the assault on the snow fortress-hospital. Cobb finally starts gunning down random bad guys, and Nolan interrupts the action to have Ariadne cry: “Are those projections part of his subconscious?“

(How has Ariadne forgotten this basic principle, one of the first things that Cobb explained?)

Cobb coolly replies, “Yes” (probably thinking, “I should have explained this two more times to her”).

Ariadne then cries: “Are you destroying those parts of his mind?“

Now, this is a fine question to ask, while they’re three dream states deep, and hours into a perilous mission (which followed weeks and weeks of planning).

But: “No, no,” Cobb assures her (and therefore the audience) “—they’re just projections.”

…What is this dialogue doing here? Why did Nolan find it necessary to write, and shoot, and edit in this exchange?

My guess is that the following conversation occurred during pre-production:

WARNER BROS. STUDIO EXEC: You have Cobb shooting and killing projections here. It’s really the first time in the film, in fact, that he’s killed any of them.

NOLAN [distractedly—he's busy planning an explosion]: Mm-hmm.

WARNER BROS. STUDIO EXEC: Well, the audience might think now that he’s a bad guy—that he’s destroying Fischer’s memories, or something. (Cillian Murphy’s eyes are rather blue, and rather soulful.)

NOLAN: …I hadn’t thought of that. [Puts down his models, thinks a second.] It’s OK. I’ll throw in some dialogue that clarifies he’s not doing any harm.

That’s Nolan’s solution to nearly every writing problem: throw in some dialogue!

=========================================================

Of course I have to mention the storyline involving Dicaprio and his wife, which is actually really dark and could have been done well, but...doesn't really work. The first time I saw this movie, I couldn't figure out why I had no emotional attachment whatsoever to this storyline.

Second time watching it, it was even cheesier. Dicaprio seeing his wife show up in a dream and being like, "No! You're not real!" brought back memories of Lui Kang in Mortal Kombat being like, "No! You're not my brother"

Here's a really funny blurb from the satirial script I mentioned above:

==============================================

EXT. CGI-LAND

LEONARDO and ELLEN find CILLIAN, but also encounter MARION.

MARION COTILLARD
Leonardo, stay here with me. I know I’m just a figment of your imagination, but I’m all you’ve got.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO
My entire memory of you is as a vindictive, mean-spirited, violent, self-centered pile of bitch. Christ, why did it take me the entire movie to stop giving a shit about you? Fuck off.

ELLEN PAGE
And now that you’ve finished risking the lives of your only friends in the world for the sake of a little catharsis, we can finish the mission!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO
You’re right! We’ve got an innocent person’s memories and relationships to completely ruin!
=====================================================

This blurb points out why it doesn't work. All you see of his wife is this mean bitch who loves to go around stabbing and shooting people. Why should we give a shit about her?

They even give her cheesy horror movie pop up music when she sees Ellen Page invading Dicaprio's dream space.

Dicaprio's character...what a selfish piece of shit for risking all his friend's lives just so he can be with his kids. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that you're so heavily sedated that if you die in the dream, your brain and turn into mush and you can spend eternity in limbo. Whoops. My bad. Forgot to tell you that. But, somehow I know how to get out limbo, while the rest of you don't."

Inception is an entertaining movie and despite how much I've been shitting all over the movie in this blog, I still do like it. It is a better than your average Hollywood blockbuster, but calling it one of the best movies of 21st century is absurd. Saying that this movie is mind blowing is also absurd. Maybe if I had never seen movies like: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Waking Life, The Matrix, Dark City, and The Cell (which are all way better movies at exploring alternate realities) my mind would be blown. I think even South Park's Imaginationland trilogy and Superjail's episode about dreams were more mind blowing and creative.

Finally, if you haven't seen the hilarious parody at college humor, check it out:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1939332

Black Swan
Rating: ***1/2

Black Swan is a good movie, but it's the weakest effort to come from Darren Aranovsky. After seeing the movie show up on just about every critic's top 10 list, I expected more. This ballerina could be the most 1 dimensional character ever directed by Aronovsky. A psychological mind fuck this movie is not.

To quote this review from Soergel:

http://jacksonville.com/entertainment/matt-soergel/2010-12-17/story/movie-review-black-swan-dark-odd-bird-indeed

"For all of Natalie Portman's impressive angst as a tormented ballet dancer, all you need to know is that she's sexually repressed, sleeps only with the big stuffed bunnies of her childhood, and that her creepy ex-ballet dancer mother (Barbara Hershey) still tucks her in at night."

To add in my 2 cents, she then trips crazy balls for the 2nd half of the movie. I guess the scene of her accidently taking crazy amounts of LSD got cut.

I was very into the first half of the movie. It shows the world of ballet, the skill and precision it requires, the toll it can take on the body, and the ridiculous amount of pressure that can be put on someone. The pursuit of perfection can be too much for one to handle. This was good.

But, the 2nd half of the movie turns into really campy horror movie territory as Natalie Portman trips balls and sees shit that isn't really there! It feels like the movie turns into a campy horror movie, to which I'm really disappointed to say, I expected more creativity out of Aronovsky in this territory. I'm shocked to say this as I don't like David Lynch at all...but the 2nd half of the movie would have been a cooler mind fuck had David Lynch handled it. Some horror moments seemed so campy, I thought I was watching a Sam Raimi movie...where the camp is intentional.

The movie's entertaining and seeing Pormtan lose her mind is fun to watch, but I couldn't help but feel underwhelmed. I thought it would be a more psychologically complex movie. It's not. The pursuit of perfection drives her to madness. That's all. Have you seen the movie Bug? That's a much better movie about showing a fragile character's descent into madness.

Of course the movie has the whole "life imitates art", with the happenings in Swan Lake being reflected in the ballerina's life, with lots and lots and lots of mirror shots. Yes Darren, we get the symbolism of the mirror! Enough already! Not only is the mirror an extremely obvious metaphorical device (when symbolism is so obvious, I don't like it), but it's also the most over-used, horror movie cliche.

The movie turns into an, "oh my god! I'm not sure what's real and what's not?" guessing game which isn't really that fascinating, because I found no reason to give a shit about the character. She's 1 dimensional, she has no personality whatsoever...especially compared to Randy the Ram from The Wrestler. Natalie Portman is amazing in this role, but it's the script which makes her character feel rather incomplete. The tragedy brought shoulder shrugs to me as opposed to some sort of emotional response.

Get Low
Rating: **

Get Low? More like Get Slow! (Thanks Matty G, for that one).

Because this movie will likely not be getting a best picture nomination, it's probably the least under-rated of this list. This also happens to be the shittyness movie of the 3. Get Low struck me as an Oscar bait movie. Everyone will be saying how awesome Robert Duvall is, and close up shots of Sissy Spacek crying a lot will probably get her an Oscar nod as well. The movie tries really really really hard to get the audience to cry, but emotional manipulation this forceful doesn't work.

For a movie which explores guilt as its central theme, as in how do you live with yourself knowing that you fucked up someone else's life, it comes up short and isn't really that deep. Compare it to another slow paced drama that also deals with guilt in Ordinary People, now that's a movie with a lot of psychological complexity to it and many interesting relationships revolving around a central tragedy.

I really liked the premise of an old hermit throwing a living funeral for himself (as in he is alive and gets to see what everyone at the funeral says about him). To this, I was really surprised at how ineffective it was as a drama, and at elliciting any kind of emotion.

Duvall is good, and Bill Murray is funny as a funeral director, but the movie focuses more on his assistant, the Buddy character (Lucas Black) who puts on a weak, dull performance. He ends up spending more time with the protagonist of the story, and a meaningful friendship between the two that could really change them both really could have made this a more memorable movie. Or maybe the filmmakers thought they had a good central friendship...after all, the close up shot of Buddy looking on reflectively after the living funeral shows that...apparently the whole experience of organizing the funeral and working with Felix changed him...as the audience, I didn't feel this at all. It makes me wonder whether the film would have worked better had they casted someone better. I looked up Lucas Black...he was in a Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift as an inferior Paul Walker and Legion which was probably the worst movie of 2010. I don't remember if he was good, but I think I recall every performance in that movie being garbage.

Most of the movie, we get Duvall being hard-headed, spending such a long time arranging the funeral, leading up to the big climax where he tells his tragic story about what's caused him to be a hermit and alienating himself from society for his entire life. Had the climax delivered, I would be glad I sat through the first boring 80 minutes of the movie, but it doesn't. It's forceful drama, where the characters tells us a story we sort of already figured out on our own.

A drama like this needs to be deeper to be effective. Although most of the performances are very strong, I'm getting tired of movies that only have good acting associated with it.

Despicable Me
Rating: **1/2

This is like another case of Dante's Peak/Volcano, Deep Impact/Armageddon, Paul Blart/Observe and Report. Two movies in the same year with very similar premises. Too bad Despicable Me came out first, as it seemed like the fresher concept. Megamind ended up making a lot less money, due to perhaps seeming less fresh. Too bad, as Megamind is the much superior movie of the two. Its more unpredictable, and a much funnier movie.

I don't really get why this movie was such a hit. In fact, when it comes to animations, it really takes a far step back the way that X-men Origins: Wolverine was a step back in the superhero genre. Pixar and Dreamworks started making aninamted films that truly were for the entire family. There was humor that kids would get, and there was humor for the adults that would go over the heads of kids.

Despicable Me is really just for the kids. The humor feels very uncreative and uninspired, might I add it goes down a completely predictable path. The 2nd half where the adorable children turn the evil man into a kind, decent person is very corny and cringe inducing. A long time ago, this animated film would have been more acceptable, but with the standards set by Pixar, Despicable Me is a step in the wrong direction.

top 10 best movies of 2010

I'm pretty sure all my picks can be found on DVD, with the exception of #8 and #3.

This was a bit of an odd year. On one hand, I did give out 3 five star ratings, and there were many good movies. On the other hand, I'm surprised at how weak the 2nd half of 2010 was (though I'm sure most critics will disagree.)

In June, I wrote a half year top 10 of 2010. I'm really surprised that 7 of those movies made it to the end of the year top 10. Usually only 3 movies from the first half of 2010 make it to the end. December is typically the best month for movies, but I don't know...I liked Blue Valentine, Rabbit Hole, The King's Speech, True Grit, and Black Swan (though I think it was over-rated), but never considered those movies top 10 worthy.

Stay tuned, as the next blog I'll be writing is my picks for the most over-rated movies of 2010. There are certain movies that have popped up on every critic's top 10 list which are absent from mine. Why? Because I've saved those for my over-rated list.

Oh well. Without further ado, here's my list:

Honorable Mentions: The Kids are All Right, Easy A, Hereafter, Blue Valentine, The Escapist, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Green Zone, Machete, Somewhere, The Social Network, Youth In Revolt, The Losers, Get Him to the Greek, The Last Exorcism

10. High Life
Rating: ****1/2

After a few mediocre years in Canadian cinema, I can finally say that Canada made one of the 10 best films of 2010. Sadly, nobody saw this movie. I don't blame them though, the trailer makes the movie look painfully mediocre. It's a shame, because High Life is the best heist movie since Matchstick Men (but not quite as good).

This is a very funny movie that shows what can go wrong if you get a bunch of drug addicts to team up together to pull off a robbery. The actors are very funny and there's a nice mix of interesting personalities in the team; the funniest character is definitely the good looking charming guy who's importance to the heist is being...well...good looking and charming. The scene with him in the convenience store alone is worth the price of admission.

But, let's not forget about the heist aspect of the movie. The actual robbery plan is actually quite clever, the movie is easy to follow, unpredictable and unlike other heist movies...it stands up quite well in post mortem plausability analysis. All Canadians...support your own country, and see this movie! Non-Canadians...watch it, just because it's an awesome heist movie.

9. Toy Story 3
Rating: ****1/2

Pixar has still got it! This is one of the rare trilogies that start strong and end on quite possibly the highest note it could possibly end on. Pixar has not yet turned into shameless money hungry whores like Dreamworks Animation (Shrek 4 being the most painfully obvious, uninspired money grab of 2010). Toy Story 3 clearly had a creative reason for being made, and it's the most satisfying conclusion to a trilogy I can think of.

As an action/adventure movie, I found Toy Story 3 surprisingly very exciting and far more intense than the pure eye candy, but no thrills action of Iron Man 2. For a rated G movie, the movie surprisingly gets really dark; the Incinerator scene is one of the darkest, most intense scenes of any movie this year. While it's not the funniest Pixar movie, it still delivers a lot of laughs, and Ken and Barbie make great additions to the cast.

Most importantly, Toy Story 3 really resonates on an emotional level moreso than its first two predecessors. We've all grown up, and I'm sure we all miss our childhood. Here's a profound movie about life, the transition from childhood to adolescents, and moving on and letting go of the past. With this movie now on DVD and no longer in theatres, there will unfortunately be no 3d glasses that can hide your tears when the final scene comes along.

8. Let Me In
Rating: ****1/2

Yes, a remake of the excellent Swedish vampire movie Let the Right One In just a year after its release seemed kind if ridiculous. It seemed like Hollywood would ruin yet another great foreign film. But, you know what? For once, Hollywood did it better. Let Me In captured the essence of what made the original movie so good, but added more to it.

Let the Right One In was darkly charming friendship movie between a boy and a girl, where the girl happens to be a vampire. It's the loneliness in both their lives that draws them together and makes them friends. It was a really uniquely new approach to the vampire movie.

Let Me in captures that essence and the heart of the original, but is also really good as a horror movie with suspense and atmosphere which was nowhere to be found in the original). The violence is far more brutal and memorable. It's a great thing that this wasn't a shot for shot remake, as Matt Reeves directs the movie with a far more exciting style. Its subjective style draws you into the movie so much more.

Here's a quote from the imdb board by AntoNEO comparing the directing styles of both movies:

"Let the Right One In is a beautifully shot film, characterized by the consistent use of painterly master shots, punctuated by long lens close-ups. The result, for me, is a semi-disconnected feeling of spectatorship. Let Me In, on the other hand, has a rather different filmmaking style, as it is largely composed of complementary close-ups and point of view shots, thereby putting the viewer in the shoes of the characters."

Wedgies are usually lame gags in PG rated comedies, and the idea of it makes kids in elementary school giggle. Give props to Let Me In for having a wedgie scene which is so brutal and hard to watch, you may never laugh at a wedgie ever again. Let Me In has set pieces which are so memorable. I challenge someone to name a movie that had a better car crash scene than Let Me In.

Or with that horror movie cliche...oh shit, the driver has no clue there's a killer hiding in the back seat...Let Me In does that cliche, except from the POV of the murderer in the back seat. What a concept! It's weirdly suspenseful if you're cheering for the killer in the back to make the kill.

If Let the Right One In was like a slice of really good apple pie, Let Me in is like really good apple pie plus the ice cream.

7. Temple Grandin
Rating: ****1/2

After getting bored with the huge amount of biopics which are getting very repetitive, it is so refreshing to get Temple Grandin, which I think is the best biopic since Monster. People who liked bullshit "based on true story" inspirational stories like The Blind Side and The Pursuit of Happyness need to watch Temple Grandin to see how a true inspirational story is done with creativity, originality and authenticity that doesn't feel completely phoney. It is unfortunate that this movie will have no shot at the Oscars due to the fact that it's an HBO movie.

The film is directed with such a refreshingly different style, and Temple Grandin is a very fascinating person who's struggles in life and being able to get past all the obstacles of being an autistic person is very admirable. You learn a lot about autism, the movie's direction sort of lets you see through the eyes of an autistic person, and when the film finally arrives at its ending, it is one of the most well earned, and uplifting feel good endings since...perhaps The Shawshank Redemption. I knew absolutely nothing about Temple and had no idea of her existence before the movie, but by the time the credits rolled...I felt like I spent an hour 40 minutes with one of the most fascinating, admirable real people ever featured in a movie.

There's been a disturbing lack of Temple Grandin in most critics' top 10 lists. Who knows if it would have gotten more recognition had it been released in theatres as opposed to being an HBO movie. I'll take this over 90% of the Oscar nominated movies.

6. The Secret in their Eyes
Rating: ****1/2

This movie pulled a huge upset at the Oscars, but after seeing A Prophet, White Ribbon and this one...the Oscars got it right this time! This is a fascinating, thought provoking, moving, darkly funny police procedural which is brilliantly written and directed (the soccer stadium scene...holy fucking shit!! I can also say Holy shit to the brilliant and witty dialogue), well acted and I should add includes an ending which will linger in your mind for a long time after the credits roll (it's a twist ending which really makes you think and can spark a long morality debate). Simply saying that this movie is a mystery or police procedural would be doing it a huge injustice. The Oscar for best screenplay should have gone to this movie.

While the murder case itself is fascinating, and unravels at a good pace, the movie's core focus is on the characters and how it affected their lives. The film jumps back and forth in time...we see the characters working on the case in 1974 and present day in 2000 where the former investigator is now trying to write a book about the murder case in 1974, but the lack of closure has made it impossible for him to move on with his life. Within it all, involves a romance where I'll say...no movie I can think of has made me root for two characters to hook up more than this one. The Oscars should stop being so short sighted by only nominating foreign film for best foreign film. The Secret in their Eyes was better than almost every other best picture nominee.

5. Kick Ass
Rating: ****1/2

After seeing The Dark Knight and Iron Man evolve the super hero genre, here's a movie that will hopefully further the evolution of super hero movies even more. What if you took a post modern approach to the super hero movie, added Kill Bill type brutal violence, directed action scenes with the very cool style of Wanted, added in Superbad type raunchy humor, include an 11 year old girl who calls people cocksuckers and cunts, and integrate the super hero world into today's modern world ruled by myspace and youtube? You get Kick Ass, one of the freshest, most original takes on the super hero movie. Let's not write this off as something trashy, the writing is very clever, and even the opening existential speech made by the main character about how ordinary his life is and how he merely exists is brilliant. Immediately, the film has 95% of the audience that can relate to the main character's teenage angst.

Kick Ass is directed with a really refreshing comic book style, with action that is brutally violent, and creatively choreographed. Very few movies have gotten me more excited about the final big action scene than this one. The build up is phenomenal, the surprise weapon that remains a mystery does not disappoint, and the villain suffers the most epic death of any movie I can remember. The corrupting of a 13 year old actress was worth it after all. Who knows? She could grow up to have a sense of humor similar to Sarah Silverman's.

While I understand why certain movies of an arthouse nature fail at the box office, I still can't wrap my head around the lackluster box office results of Kick Ass. North America loves violence, and Kick Ass delivers it in a more creative way than almost every other action movie out there.

4. Scott Pilgrim vs. the world
Rating: ****1/2

First it was Shaun of the Dead, then Hot Fuzz, then this. What an impressive resume for Edgar Wright, and what a creative director he is! As good as Fuzz and Shaun were, Scott Pilgrim is his best effort yet. It's an extremely funny, visually stunning, and very creatively directed/editted movie which also happens to be a great movie that any nerd can relate to. Did I forget to mention that this movie has awesome fight scenes as well?

What stands out the most about Scott Pilgrim is its extremely creative video game/comic book style of direction. Scott Pilgrim lives in what seems at first like a normal world...but we soon learn that his environment is governed by the natural laws of a video game world. The additional animations are great, and you have to love little things like Scott Pilgrim taking a piss, with a piss metre showing up on screen.

Rarely do I ever notice a movie's editting, but Pilgrim is one of the most brilliantly, slickly editted films. The scene of Scott Pilgrim stalking Ramona at a house party is simply brilliant. I think that scene alone would sell the movie better than its mediocre trailer.

Let's not only talk about the style. Scott Pilgrim is an extremely funny movie, poking fun at many things about the current facebook/myspace generation, from the vegan who feels morally superior to everyone to the emo band who sings a song called "We hate you. Please die".

It was tough choosing the #4 spot between this and Kick Ass, as both movies have similar strengths, and they were both sadly box office failures. While they both deliver on the comedy and action, I think Pilgrim is the more creative movie of the two. It's close though.

3. Hubble
Rating: *****

Okay, so is it absurd that I put a 40 minute Imax movie into this list? Maybe. I normally find those 40 minute Imax movies at the science centre to be great visual treats, but very corny in its storytelling. To say that my mind was completely blown by this movie is an understatement. Now, if I were to have seen this on DVD, then maybe the rating would be lower, but I'm judging this based on seeing it on a giant Omnimax screen with a sick sound system.

If there is only one movie to see in theatres this year, it's Hubble in Imax. If there's only one movie get stoned to...it's Hubble in Imax (I will say with ease...this is the trippiest movie I've ever seen). The visuals are simply...mind blowing; seeing the stars forming, cocoons in space that may form into planets...no artist can match the absolute beauty that's captured in space by this hubble telescope.

Beyond the dazzling visuals, the film tells a very good story. It documents a team of astronauts being sent into space to fix the telescope. The dangers they face are crazy, and there are some very intense moments. What surprised me the most is the emotional power of this movie. It is so uplifting, and made me feel proud to be alive, and human, and living on this planet, and proud of what the human race has accomplished. It sounds cheesy, but that's how I felt. This movie is a truly unique experience you won't get in any other movie.

2. Flipped
Rating: *****

After the schmaltzy, ridiculous Bucket List, Rob Reiner has redeemed himself with my pick for #2. I know that some people will disagree big time with this pick. Yes, I know it's not particularly original. But, as human beings we can't control how we feel. For me, Flipped is the ultimate feel good movie of 2010. This is likely to be the movie I'd watch to feel better when life is taking a shit all over my face. It is such a wonderful, innocent, charming, delightful, light hearted comedy about young love. It's one of those rare movies that leave you in such a good mood when the credits roll. This is one of the best romantic comedies of the past few years.

Flipped is about childhood love between two 8th graders: Bryce and Julie. The word "Flipped" refers to a complete 180 degree change in feelings from love to hate, or the other way around. At the beginning of the story, Julie has a huge crush on Bryce, while to him, she's a huge annoyance. Then as the movie progresses, the two of them flip.

What makes this really stand out is the multiple narrators approach. For once we get a romantic comedy where you see the relationship from both the guy and girl's perspectives, truly capturing the essence of the way kids think. Kind of like Rashoman, you often see the same events repeated twice, but you get to see how each side interpreted the event.

The characters are wonderfully written. Sometimes the best thing about watching movies is seeing characters transform, and Flipped is a great coming of age story for both characters. While the film's a love story, it's also about how the romance makes them grow as people. They're at the age where they're evolving out of being just kids to having full personalities, and developing attitudes and worldviews that will likely carry on to adulthood. It's not only the romance, but scenes with the families of both main characters provide good insight into the way both characters are.

Flipped does what a good romance should do. It gives you two very likable characters (especially Julie is one of the most likable characters of any movie this year), and it has you rooting for them to hook up. Unlike most romantic comedies, it really develops its characters, feels authentic and doesn't give into bullshit contrivances and coincidences...okay, maybe there's one coincidence that seems to convenient, but it didn't seem too unrealistic.

It's unfortunate that no one even knew about this movie. The distribution company had no clue how to market it, and it got a silent release with no publicitiy. Too bad. Fortunately it is now on DVD. Although it's a movie about kids, adults will ultimately get more out of it than children will. It may bring back memories from your childhood.

1. Leaves of Grass
Rating: *****

I imagine to many, my pick for #1 was quite predictable. When I saw this movie, I sort of knew it would be my pick for #1. I may get some backlash for saying this...as good as the Coen Brothers are, I'll take Leaves of Grass over any of their movies.

If you're the kind of person who's bored of the predictability of your typical Hollywood movie, this movie will be such a breath of fresh air! One minute it's thoughtful and philosophical, next minute it turns absolutely batshit insane. Simply put, you can never predict where the movie's going. You just go along with the ride, and enjoy all the surprises. This sort of reminded me of why I loved Punch Drunk Love so much as well.

Leaves of Grass is kind of like a threesome between the philisophical insight of a Richard Linklater movie, a stoner comedy like Pineapple Express, and a darkly funny and chaotic crime thriller of the Coen Brothers. In committing a somewhat clever crime, the characters commit one of the funniest fuck ups I've ever seen in a movie. To top it all off, Leaves of Grass gives us a romance that we can really care for between the main character (a philosophy professor) and a poet. Ed Norton and Keri Russel have phenomenal chemistry together and the very smart dialogue between them is what I wish I saw more of in Hollywood romantic comedies.

Edward Norton deserves an Oscar for playing two very different, but equally brilliant twins. One is a highly respected Philosophy professor who got the fuck out of Oklahoma to escape the redneck life. His twin brother Brady is equally brilliant with such an elaborate and brilliantly run grow op, but putting his own life in serious danger. Brady's speech where he holds a bud up to the camera then talks about the pureness and feeling of peace when smoking weed will have all stoners nodding along in agreement and wishing that they could buy their weed off Brady.

Richard Dreyfus makes a 5 minute appearance as a dangerous Jew who Brady owes a shitload of money to. If William Hurt got an Oscar nomination for his 5 minutes in History of Violence, Dreyfus should get one for this movie. He is simply hilarious.

You have to love dialogue like:

"You know what I wish? I wish everyone would give me a dollar and call me a cocksucker!"
"Why?"
"So I'd be rich and everyone would love me!"

On one hand, the movie is a wacked out, outrageous, brutally violent, and darkly funny movie. On the other hand, it'll make you think more deeply about life, about family, the paths you take which lead you to who you become as a person, and the unexplainable violent, chaotic actions and behaviors of humans. While Billy has earned so many accolades for his groundbreaking philisophical insight, his visit back home makes him unable to understand this chaotic world.

This could be the smartest stoner movie ever made. This is perhaps a movie for intellectual stoners to get baked then watch. Then smoke another joint when the movie's done and have a long indepth discussion about the themes and ideas of the movie.

The best commercial I've seen in a long time...

When it comes to commercials, is there anything more annoying and repetitive than cell phone commercials? Going to a movie and getting there maybe...20 minutes before the movie starts, you are plagued with back to back to back cell phone commercials...with all of them played consecutively, they just all kind of blend together. And then when the movie pre-show starts, guess what? More cell phone commercials!

With that in mind, it was so refreshing to see this cell phone commercial by Windows 7


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHlN21ebeak

"It's time for a phone to save us from our phones"...what a slogan! Get the most basic shit done and out of the way with that you need from a cell phone and live your fucking lives!

This is a completely different approach to marketing a cell phone. For once, we get a commercial that's satirical; a social commentary on what cell phones have done to our lives. Instead of just using our phones for simple communication, we now live our lives around our phones. Just like the commercial, I see so many things that make me say, "Really?!"

When I see someone jaywalking and texting, completely oblivious and how dangerous his/her actions are, it is so tempting to just lightly tap the person with my car to send a signal to stop fucking around...you're jay walking across fucking Yonge street! Your twittering stupid shit like, "OMG! I'm going for Starbucks! I can't wait" can fucking wait! Cross the fucking street before you twitter stupid shit. Just like the commercial, I once saw a guy texting while peeing into a urinal...though he didn't drop his phone. That would have been funny. The final shot of the commercial with the little girl being completely neglected by her mother...what a great final shot!

It's funny that the term "crackberry" has actually been coined. Being hooked on your blackberry the way crackheads are hooked on crack...is that really healthy? Who knows, maybe there are people out there who will suck dick for an Iphone 4...and twitter about it while sucking dick? Who knows?

The point of technology is to make our lives easier, and yes cell phones have done that. Texting is easily the most brilliant abnd convenient innovation. But, it's a problem when technology completely takes over your life. When many of life's great moments and pleasures are missed out on due to twittering the fact that you're experiencing this great moment, when you're really not...because you're on your fucking phone! You're plugged into this virtual world, when you should be hungry to experience the real world.

I do understand perhaps the irony of the commercial. Who knows if this windows phone is just as addictive as a crackberry or iphone? But, most commercials are the same generic bullshit. It's nice to get a commercial like this that really makes you think.

My petition to James Cameron to let me write Avatar 2 (my pitch is taking the Avatar saga to an epic new level)

So, I'm sure everyone reading this has seen James Cameron's Avatar. Well...I hear that a sequel is in the works, but from what I hear there is uncertainty about what will take place in the sequel.

With that in mind, I would like to write the sequel to Avatar. So please check out what I would do with Avatar 2 if I was the writer. I believe my Avatar 2 would be the most epic movie of all time! Please check it out, and give me suggestions on what you like or don't like. I'll take your suggestions, make changes and then I'll actually put this pitch into an online petition form.

But for now, read on and I hope you enjoy. Here we go...warning you...this is a long read.


Dear James Cameron,

Congratulations on making the #1 highest grossing movie of all time. Avatar was a huge achievement in 3-D. You must be thinking, “My god! How do I possibly follow up Avatar? What am I going to do with the sequel?” I have your answer. I know how to take the Avatar story to an epic new level. All those cynics who said that Avatar lacked originality will be silenced when it comes to Avatar 2. Fascinated? Read on…

Fade in to Pandora, 1 year later. Everything is back to normal, but Jake…he ain’t doing so well.

Jake Sully is not happy in Pandora. His relationship with Neytiri is not going so well. He’s having trouble satisfying Neytiri, because as a human he had a premature ejaculation problem which has carried over to his avatar body. Right when Jake and Neytiri hook up their hair tentacle thingies…BAM!...he’s blown his load. And, blue splooge? Ewww, gross! That is something Jake still has not gotten used to. He loves Neytiri, and he starts on a quest, to learn from the other Na’Vi how to satisfy his woman.

Jake misses his life as a human. He just can’t relate these na’vi. However, when the calendar hits April 20th there’s a celebration. It turns out both humans and Na’Vi celebrate 4/20; the key difference being that the Na’vi don’t get high on weed…they get high on eywooaah: plants which they hook up their hair tentacle thingies to. The way that humans trip balls on shrooms is absolutely nothing compared to the way Na’Vi trip balls on eywooaah. What would happen here would be the absolute craziest 3-D scene ever put on film. This scene would be shot in the POV of Jake Sully, where through his eyes you see what it’s like to trip out on eywooaah. I’m talking crazy 3-D tunnel sequences, really trippy objects in fully gimmicky 3-D mode flying at the audience. Jake Sully tripping balls should be a 10 minute scene. While I’m sure it’d be tempting to make the entire movie Jake Sully tripping balls, we do need to tell a story rather than just entertain stoners (not that there is anything wrong with wanting to make a movie for the sole purpose of entertaining stoners). I know I’m not the only person who wondered what it’d be like to trip out on Na’vi drugs.

Jake can’t handle this high, and he jumps on to the dragon and flies around. You know how drinking and driving is not cool? Well getting high and flying a dragon…that is sooo not fucking cool at all! Jake gets wreckless, and crashes the dragon into the tree of souls, demolishing it. The Na’Vi close in on Jake and as they’re about to beat the shit out of him, here comes Neytiri to save him. She pleads with them to not touch him. They figure out that the tree of souls has metaphysical powers, and they could potentially connect with Eywa in a metaphysical way, but it involves having to reach nirvana. The only way to reach nirvana is to do 5 plant hits of eywooaah which is insane. Neytiri steps in for the challenge to save Jake, but Jake insists that they must do it together.

On Earth, a nuclear bomb is accidently activated. Its mutation is so bad, dead humans rise from their graves in zombie form. However, these zombies are no joke. In fact, they make 28 Days Later zombies look like pussies; what makes them scary is that they can walk, talk, and function like human beings. Anyways Pablo Escobar’s zombie and his gang of zombies all stumble into the avatar control centre and maul everyone there. They then discover the avatar technology and they find out about the Eywooaah. Pablo Escobar’s zombie must have this drug! Think about how much money can be made. They grab all these awesome weapons and make avatars of themselves. There’s no explanation for how Pablo Escobar’s gang of zombies know how to operate this complex avatar technology…you just have to suspend your disbelief. Anyways, they all transport into Pandora and what a time to capitalize…when they‘re all tripping balls on 4/20.

Because they’re zombies turned into avatars, their avatars are deadlier and more evil. They can shoot blue lava out of their eyes. The Na’vi put up their best fight, but they are no match for these evil zombie avatars run by Pablo Escobar. Tied up and captured, Pablo’s gang take their time stealing their eywooaah plants. They laugh at how easy this takeover was. Unknown to them, they have forgotten about one person they should not be fucking with: Jake motherfucking Sully!

After Jake’s colossal fuck up, he must right the wrong by saving the day. The hallucinations are too much for him to handle. They’re controlling him. He just wants those hallucinatory rainbow colored flying spiders to leave him alone. He stops, breathes, postures up and says, “My hallucinations won’t control me. I control them!” and right there he all of a sudden can control his hallucinations. Deciding that he needs to one up himself on this rescue mission, he does the most bad ass thing he has ever done in his entire life. He gets his dragon high on eywooaah; him and his dragon, united, high out of their fucking minds are going to save the day! He flies in with his dragon and Pablo Escobar starts to laugh at Jake’s pathetic attempt at a rescue. Jake closes his eyes then…his really trippy hallucinations appear. Giant multi colored flying spiders attack the gang, shooting spider webs made out of a lava/sulfuric acid mix. All the Na’vi are shocked at Jake’s amazing feat. Jake frees them all, as Pablo Escobar’s gang retreats. They’ll be back!

While this goes on, Neytiri stays behind to try to reach Nirvana. She meditates, hooks her hair tentacles thingy to the fallen tree and starts having conversations with The tree of Souls. As she’s hooked in, her body starts shaking like crazy and convulsing. This is very intense. In another trippy 3-D scene, we go into Neytiri’s head as she’s haunted by trippy, metaphorical representations of anger, attachments, and obsessions that chase her all over the place. She tries to get away, but they consume her. This is where Avatar 2 can turn all avante garde. How about that? A little avante garde in a biggest epic blockbuster movie ever.

Back on Earth, Pablo Escobar seeks help from another dangerous gangster; Al Capone’s zombie. As Pablo, Al Capone and all their gangster zombies form together, ready to attack, Jake Sully is getting everyone on Pandora ready for the attack. This is their land, damnit and this is their eywooaah. Jake says urges them to step it up a notch; all the Na’vi must do 5 hits of eywooaah, and learn to have control over their hallucinations. He tells them, “You are Na’vi! You are strong! I know how you’re all thinking, hallucinations…they aren’t real. But guess what? They can be! Do 5 hits of eywooaah, and just believe in yourself. Be in control of your hallucination, show it who’s boss, and you know what? They’ll come to life. Just believe!”

The whole tribe cheers. The energy is electric! Someone says to Jake, “Maybe if you just believe in YOURSELF, Jake…you could satisfy Neytiri in bed.” Jake thinks about this and contemplates.

Cut to a montage of the Na’vi getting ridiculously ripped on eywooaah.

The gangs of zombie avatars are back! The fight is on. The Na’vi aren’t doing so well. They can’t tell the difference between real and hallucination. They are fighting the zombie avatars and their own hallucinations. This is too much. They can’t handle this! They are getting slaughtered. Jake’s hallucinations are fighting back, but getting destroyed.

As things get more and more hopeless, we go back to Neytiri. She is now in a calm, meditative state. In her mind she is having a conversation with Eywa on the meaning of life, what it means to be Na’vi, and finding her place in life in Pandora. As another 3-D sequence goes back into her head, all the metaphorical representations of anger, temptation and obsessions attack her, but they do nothing to her at all. She closes her eyes, as her body lights up and makes everything explode into a beautiful paradise. Neytiri has reached nirvana, as the Tree of Souls slowly starts to re-erect.

The whole Na’vi tribe look in awe as the tree of souls is erecting itself back into its original shape. They smile. Things will work out just fine.

All the Na’vi scream, “Hallucinations, we control you!” as the most fucking bad ass hallucinations come to life and beat the living shit out of the zombie avatars. Their blue lava shots aren’t doing shit. Jellyfish made out of lasers, the dark unicorns of death, giant killer pink rabbits…an epic battle commences, but the hallucinations win. As Pablo Escobar tries to escape, Jake Sully and Neytiri beat the living shit out of him. Like, they beat him up…to death…WITH THEIR FISTS. If you have this shot in 3-D, it should be from Escobar’s POV, and having the fists coming out in 3-D, so the audience can feel what it is like to take a Jake Sully and Neytiri ass whooping.

Everything is back to normal. Jake sweeps Neytiri off her feet and says, “Ready for your first orgasm?!”

She nods, but then stops. She has an even better idea.

Next thing, they are doing another 5 hits of eywooaah. Not only will they be making love, their hallucinations will be making love as well. Then…

THE END.

Does Jake Sully end up satisfying Neytiri? Find out in Avatar 3!

I bet that when you were reading this, you envisioned this entire movie in your head, then when you got to the end you were like, “Wow…that is an awesome movie!” Please, let your voices be heard! Tell James Cameron, you want Jeff Ching to write the screenplay for Avatar 2.

The cinematic shit-stains of the first half of 2010...

If you haven't yet read my list of the top 10 best movies of 2010 so far, please check it out here:

http://thechingofcomedy.blogspot.com/2010/06/top-10-best-movies-of-1st-half-of-2010.html

But now, it's time for me to take a shit on the movies that deserve to be shat on. So here we go...

Most Disappointing movie - Shutter Island
Rating: **1/2 (Out of 5)

Calling this movie Shitter Island would perhaps be a bit of a stretch, as it's by no means a horrible movie. If this movie had been directed by someone else not named Scorsese, it would not be showing up on this blog. In an attempt to make a creepy, chilling Hitchcockian film, Shutter Island just does not pull it off. It moves along at a slow pace, and it does a rather poor job of building up tension. A visceral experience this movie is not. Even the big twist didn't come close to a goosebumps type reaction or a "Holy shit!!" that a good twist delivers...I merely shrugged my shoulders was like, "okay"; not a good reaction to a big twist. Plus, when you analyze the movie postmortem, the twist simply does not make sense and makes the entire movie even more absurd and implausible.

Leo...please drop the Boston accent. It's getting annoying. Am I the only one who thinks Dicaprio is a tad bit over-rated? He's a good young actor, but I'll take Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon Levitt or him any day.

The most shameless, un-necessary, money hungry whore of a movie sequel - Shrek Forever After
Rating: ** (out of 5)

It really sucks to see a franchise that started off so fresh and different end like this. I hate sequels which are so obviously motivated by money rather than creativity. It sucks to see Dreamworks milking Shrek the way George Lucas milks Star Wars. Apparently, legacy just doesn't matter. See Shrek 4 then Toy Story 3 to see the difference between a sequel which was obviously just made for money and a sequel which had creative reasons to exist and tell a story that needed to be told. There is absolutely no reason this story of Shrek 4 needs to exist at all. It's a fucking bullshit story.

The humor is lazy and uninspired, the repetition of jokes from the previous Shrek movies are no longer funny (I can't believe people were still laughing at Pussinboots trying to be cute), and all the characters that were once interesting, and lovable from the earlier Shreks are now completely dull. I will say Rumpelstiltskin is a funny villain, and the only interesting character the film has to offer.

It's too bad, because the first 20 minutes of the movie showing how Shrek is bored with the repetition of his new family life was actually very good. However it all goes down hill from there. Its moral of, "You don't know what you got till it's gone...don't take the people you love for granted" has been done to death and delivered in such a trite way. Am I being too hard on the movie? No. I'm not comparing Shrek 4 to The Godfather...I just wish Shrek 4 could have been at least close to Shrek 1...or maybe even 2.

These unmotivated sequels to brilliant originals anger me more than a brand new movie that just sucks. Shrek 4 is a better than let's say...Fly me to the moon, but if I had the power to remove one of those movies from existence, it would definitely be Shrek 4.

Un-necessary remake - A Nightmare on Elm Street
Rating: **1/2

First off, what have you guys done to Freddy Kreuger? He does not look NEARLY as scary as the original. Someone in the audience screaming, "Awww, come on!!" at the first shot of Freddy Kreuger's face would be completely warranted. Second of all, horrible use of the line, "How's this for a wet dream?" It was a hilarious and brilliant line in Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4 (the water bed death), but in the context of this remake...WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS THINKING? That would be another time where an "Awww come on!" from someone in the audience would be completely warranted.

Finally, the director doesn't seem to understand that less is sometimes better. There is way too much exposure of Freddy Kreuger in the 2nd half to the point that his prescence on screen is no longer ominous. I really like Jackie Earl Haley, but he just doesn't really do it for me as Freddy.

You know, this is not a terrible movie. It's competently directed and it has its share of suspenseful moments. But, it offers nothing new that the original didn't do better. For that, this movie's existence is pointless. I ask, what's the fun in doing a remake like this? Why not do something different? Why not apply Nightmare on Elm Street to today's world dominated by the internet? There's many creative directions they can go with Freddy. But, I don't want to encourage them to make a sequel. Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th...come on, guys! Try to think up original new ideas and leave the classic horrors alone.

On another note, someone actually brought their baby to see this movie. During the first 20 minutes, I heard a baby crying a few times. Then the baby was silent for the rest of the movie. So, there you have it. Past the 20 minute mark, this movie couldn't even scare a baby.

The L Word - No, not lesbian, not love. LAME - The Lame-Team, I mean The A-Team
Rating: ** (out of 5)

Is The Lame Team funnier or The Aids Team? This movie is boring! I've seen soccer games with more exciting action than The A-Team. I did not go into A-team excepting a complex plot and 3 dimensional character. I expected a somewhat decently entertaining action movie with some funny moments. Is that too much to ask for? The entire time watching this movie, I kept thinking about another movie with a similar premise, but 1000 times better called The Losers, a movie with better characters, a fucking hilarious villain and action scenes that you can actually *gasp* see what's going on! Seriously, watch The Losers. That is a stupid, absurd, but very fun and entertaining action movie directed with style.

The first scene fight scene that shows Rampage Jackson beating people up shows exactly what is wrong with the movie. I hate action movies that employ the style of cutting so fast that you can barely see what the hell is going on. This is how the majority of the action is conveyed. The one saving grace is the ridiculous tank falling from the sky scene...there, you could actually see what's going on and it's a stupid, but fun action scene.

The movie is just so sloppily structured and repetitive. It's a repetition of this formula:
a.) Liam Neeson comes up with a plan for his team
b.) Action scene where it's hard to see what's going on and lacks excitement
c.) OMG! Somebody has betrayed the A-team, with Neeson getting all angry and being like, "GRR! I can't believe you betrayed me! I trusted you!"

And repeat that formula over and over and over again. Seriously...fucking everybody and their mothers betray the A-team. The number of, "You traitor! I trusted you!" scenes is laughable. Get it through your head, A-team...people just get a kick out of betraying you.

Oh right I guess there's change to the formula when Neeson is like, "Drrr, I'm so burned out, I can't come up with plans anymore"...so that dude from The Hangover becomes the new plan maker, but he's all like, "Oh no! I don't have confidence in my plan making skills, cuz usually it's that older wiser dude who comes up with the plans."

Completely ridiculous action scenes where our hero can get shot at by absolutely everyone, but every bullet will somehow miss, or a scene where the villain can shoot the hero, but talks and stalls until someone else comes in to save the day may have been cool in the 90s, but nowadays it just comes off very corny. Watch Rampage's motorcycle rescue as a good example of this. The action scenes have no excitement, no suspense, no sense of urgency, or even style.

Dumb action movies can be good if directed with a sense of unique style. Movies like Wanted and The Losers are good examples of this; dumb movies that are good. The A-Team however is just dumb, boring, and isn't even funny in a "So bad it's good" way. Seriously...this movie felt very long.

Worst movie of 2010 so far: Legion
Rating *1/2

There are two good things about this movie. One is that scene in the trailer when the old lady in the coffee shop goes apeshit and attacks. The other is that in the end credits, the font they use is really nice. I want to know the name of that font. That is all.

You know...there's a thing about dumb campy movies. If you're going to make a dumb, campy movie, embrace the stupidity. When dumb movies are very aware of how dumb they are and don't care, there's something kind of charming about that (once again I point to Wanted as an example). There's nothing worse than a dumb movie that takes itself WAAAAAY too seriously. That is Legion.

The plot about God losing faith in humanity and sending angels to kill off humanity is pretty dumb, but whatever...humans fighting off these scary creatures can still make for an entertaining movie, right? Here's the problem...it feels like a horror writer and a writer from The Young and the Restless teamed up to write the script. I was utterly shocked at the huge amount of melodrama between the stranded characters. The cheesy, "Oh gosh, this apocalypse has made me realize how horrible of a father I am" to "You're a horrible daughter!"...or a thug telling a rebellious girl that being rebellious isn't so cool with the girl being like, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should stop being rebellious." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

There's like 40 fucking minutes of this corny soap opera writing with dramatic music and slow zoom ins to the characters' faces as their pour their hearts out. Seriously...do the filmmakers actually think their dramatic material is good?! It's also funny to see Dennis Quaid in this movie...he's the ultimate king of mediocre performances. Oh right, and the movie preaches on and on about how horrible human beings have become.

Did the writer actually think the script was good? I bet the writer's all like, "This is so much more than just a horror. It's a social commentary on the state of humanity. It's also a study of the human condition." haha, I actually want to see if the DVD has a behind the scenes with the writer saying shit like that. That'd be fucking hilarious...probably more enjoyable than the movie itself.

Click here to go back to The Ching of Comedy website

The top 10 best movies of the 1st half of 2010...

So far, 2010 has been a fantastic year for movies. We're only halfway through the year, and I already have two 5 star movies in the top 10. The fact that Temple Grandin only made #5 says a lot about the quality of movies ranked #1 to 4. There are some odd choices in my list (including a movie that's only 40 mins long), and there are a few movies that are arguably not 2010 movies, but fuck it...I saw them this year, and I want them to get more exposure.

Honorable mentions:

Youth In Revolt, Hot Tub Time Machine, The Lovely Bones, Splice, The Losers, The Crazies, Long Pigs (this film had the coolest time lapse shot in the history of time lapse shots)


10. Alice in Wonderland
Rating ****
Perhaps the fact that I saw this movie on shrooms might explain why it's placed up here. I just remember being unbelievably tripped out by this movie. While Tim Burton is often accused of casting the same people over and over again, kudos to him for the most inspired casting choice which was Mia Wasikowska who is fantastic as a 19 year old Alice, and really makes Alice a very memorable character. I understand why a lot of people hated this movie, but I had a lot of fun. Maybe I'll watch it again...not on shrooms and see if my opinion changes.

9. Get Him to the Greek
Rating ****

It's been a good year for raunchy R rated comedies. As funny as Hot Tub Time Machine and Youth in Revolt were, Get Him to the Greek was an easy choice for the best R rated comedy of the year, which is not only a more complete movie, but with great quotable lines of dialogue and smarter humor overall. The first half of the movie just might have some of the biggest laughs of any movie of the past few years. There are moments that made the audience laugh so hard, and long too...after a big joke, the movie would cut to a dialogue scene where you can't hear what's being said due to the audience still laughing at the joke that just took place. Aldous Snow's character released a flop of a song called "African Child"...he's hurt by some of the critics' comments including one critic who said, "African Child is the worst thing to happen to black people since the Rodney King beating"...I fucking love this type of humor!

I think most lesser writers would have been content on just having joke after joke after joke, but Nicolas Stoller is better than that. The 2nd half of the movie surprisingly has good dramatic depth, fully developing its two lead characters, and making the audience really care for their friendship. While Judd Apatow is still the king of the raunchy R rated comedy, Nicolas Stoller is getting very close to Apatow. I can't wait to see what he does next.

8. High life
Rating: ****

What a nice surprise this movie was...especially after seeing a very uninspired trailer which makes the movie look very generic. As a Canadian, I'm proud to flaunt this movie as what us Canadian filmmakers are capable of. It's the best heist movie since Matchstick Men (though it's not quite as good).

This is a very funny movie that shows what can go wrong if you get a bunch of drug addicts to team up together to pull off a robbery. The actors are very funny and there's a nice mix of personalities in the team; the funniest character is definitely the good looking charming guy who's importance to the heist is being...well...good looking and charming. The scene with him in the convenience store alone is worth the price of admission.

But, let's not forget about the heist aspect of the movie. The actual robbery plan is actually quite clever, the movie is easy to follow, unpredictable and unlike other heist movies...it stands up quite well in post mortem plausability analysis. High Life is simply a very fun, entertaining movie and far more intelligent than most of the bullshit offered by Hollywood. Go Canada!

7. Sita Sings the Blues
Rating: ****1/2

This movie can be seen for free at:

www.sitasingstheblues.com

This movie is proof that often suffering leads to the best art. True story: the husband of this filmmaker left her, leaving her extremely depressed. How'd she get over it?...by sitting at her computer and spending years animating this astonishing and extremely creative animated film. What a fucking accomplishment! She directed, wrote, produced...she did pretty much everything on this movie. This movie is a very funny and extremely sarcastic re-telling of a classic Hindu tale of Ramayana (I should add, there are 3 Indian narrators who are fucking hilarious and poke fun at this story, showing how shallow the characters are) paralleled with the true story of the filmmaker's relationship. When you get to the end of the movie, you understand what the two stories have in common. People who are frustrated at the lack of creativity in animated films nowadays need to give this one a try. I hope to see a lot more of Nina Paley.

6. Toy Story 3
Rating: ****1/2

Pixar has still got it! This is one of the rare trilogies where the franchise doesn't run out of steam. In fact, I'll say that the last third of Toy Story 3 is some of the strongest material of any of the Toy Story movies. Pixar has not yet turned into shameless money hungry whores like Dreamworks Animation (Shrek 4 was such an obvious money grab, and a completely unwarranted sequel). Toy Story 3 clearly had a creative reason for being made, and it's the most satisfying conclusion to a trilogy I can think of. No matter how much pressure Disney made put on you to make a Toy Story 4, tell me to fuck off and end on a high note, Pixar! Toy Story 3's ending was perfect, and leave on a high note.

The action/adventure scenes are surprisingly intense and very exciting (sometimes very dark too), there's a lot of good humor, especially with the addition of Ken and Barbie. But, it's ultimately the ending which really makes this Toy Story a memorable movie. It may not have been as ground breakingly creative as its first two predecessors, but this is the Toy Story that will resonate the most on an emotional level with older people. We've all grown up, and I'm sure we all miss our childhood. Beyond all the crazy action scenes, it's a profound movie about life, the transition from childhood to adolescents, and moving on and letting go of the past. I recommend seeing this movie in 3-D, as if you don't want to look like a huge pussy crying at a Pixar cartoon, the 3-D glasses do a pretty good job of hiding your tears.

5. Temple Grandin
Rating: ****1/2


After getting bored with the huge amount of biopics which are getting very repetitive, it is so refreshing to get Temple Grandin, which I think is the best biopic since Monster. People who liked bullshit "based on true story" inspirational stories like The Blind Side and The Pursuit of Happyness need to watch Temple Grandin to see how a true inspirational story is done with creativity, originality and authenticity that doesn't feel completely phoney. It is unfortunate that this movie will have no shot at the Oscars due to the fact that it's an HBO movie.

The film is directed with such a refreshingly different style, and Temple Grandin is a very fascinating person who's struggles in life and being able to past all the obstacles of being an autistic person is very admirable. You learn a lot about autism, the movie's direction sort of lets you see through the eyes of an autistic person, and when the film finally arrives at its ending, it is one of the most well earned, and uplifting feel good endings since...perhaps The Shawshank Redemption. I can't believe this movie's only at #5.

4. The Secret in Their Eyes
Rating: ****1/2

This movie pulled a huge upset at the Oscars, but after seeing A Prophet, White Ribbon and this one...the Oscars got it right this time! This is a fascinating, thought provoking, moving, darkly funny police procedural which is brilliantly written and directed (the soccer stadium scene...holy fucking shit!! I can also say Holy shit to the brilliant and witty dialogue), well acted and I should add includes an ending which will linger in your mind for a long time after the credits roll (it's a twist ending which really makes you think and can spark a long morality debate). Simply saying that this movie is a mystery or police procedural would be doing it a huge injustice. The Oscar for best screenplay should have gone to this movie.

While the murder case itself is fascinating, and unravels at a good pace, the movie's core focus is on the characters and how it affected their lives. The film jumps back and forth in time...we see the characters working on the case in 1974 and present day in 2000 where the former investigator is now trying to write a book about the murder case in 1974, but the lack of closure has made it impossible for him to move on with his life. Within it all, involves a romance where I'll say...no movie I can think of has made me root for two characters to hook up more than this one. This is the kind of drama that I wish Hollywood would make.

3. Kick Ass
Rating: ****1/2

After seeing The Dark Knight and Iron Man evolve the super hero genre, here's a movie that will hopefully further the evolution of super hero movies. What if you took a post modern approach to the super hero movie, added Kill Bill type brutal violence, directed action scenes with the very cool style of Wanted, added in Superbad type raunchy humor, include an 11 year old girl who calls people cocksuckers and cunts, and integrate the super hero world into today's modern world ruled by myspace and youtube? That sounds to me like one of the freshest, most original takes on the super hero movie. Let's not write this off as something trashy, the writing is very clever, and even the opening existential speech made by the main character about how ordinary his life is and how he merely exists is brilliant. Immediately, the film has 95% of the audience that can relate to the main character's teenage angst.

Oh how I wish all big blockbuster movies were this much fun. Very few movies have gotten me more excited about the final big action scene than this one. The build up is phenomenal, the surprise weapon that remains a mystery does not disappoint, and the villain suffers the most epic death of any movie I can remember. This is the movie you can just sit there, be very entertained...then when you think about it and analyze it after...it's even better.

2. Hubble
Rating: *****

Okay, so is it absurd that I put a 40 minute Imax movie into this list? Maybe. I normally find those 40 minute Imax movies at the science centre to be great visual treats, but very corny in its storytelling. To say that my mind was completely blown by this movie is an understatement. Now, if I were to have seen this on DVD, then maybe the rating would be lower, but I'm judging this based on seeing it on a giant Omnimax screen with a sick sound system.

If there is only one movie to see in theatres this year, it's Hubble in Imax. If there's only one movie get stoned to...it's Hubble in Imax (I will say with ease...this is the trippiest movie I've ever seen). The visuals are simply...mind blowing; seeing the stars forming, cocoons in space that may form into planets...no artist can match the absolute beauty that's captured in space by this hubble telescope.

Beyond the dazzling visuals, the film tells a very good story. It documents a team of astronauts being sent into space to fix the telescope. The dangers they face are crazy, and there are some very intense moments. What surprised me the most is the emotional power of this movie. It is so uplifting, and made me feel proud to be alive, and human, and living on this planet, and proud of what the human race has accomplished. It sounds cheesy, but that's how I felt. This movie is a truly unique experience you won't get in any other movie.

1. Leaves of Grass
Rating: *****

From what I know...this movie will be released in the summer. I may get some backlash for saying this...as good as the Coen Brothers are, I'll take Leaves of Grass over any of their movies. While ordering this top 10 list was hard, picking this as #1 was an easy choice.

If you're the kind of person who's bored of the predictability of your typical Hollywood movie, this is the movie for you! One minute it's thoughtful and philosophical, next minute it turns absolutely batshit insane. I loved it! Simply put, you can never predict where the movie's going. You just go along with it, and enjoy all the surprises. This sort of reminded me of why I loved Punch Drunk Love so much as well.

Leaves of Grass is like a more thoughtful, deeper, philosophical Pineapple Express (there are many scenes of characters getting high, as well as one character running a grow op) combined with a violent Coen Brothers crime thriller...oh yeah, and the movie's fucking hilarious as well. In committing a somewhat clever crime, the characters commit one of the funniest fuck ups I've ever seen in a movie. To top it all off, Leaves of Grass gives us a romance that we can really care for between the main character (a philosophy professor) and a poet. Ed Norton and Keri Russel have phenomenal chemistry together and the very smart dialogue between them is what I wish I saw more of in Hollywood romantic comedies.

Edward Norton deserves an Oscar for playing two very different, but equally brilliant twins. I'd also like to see a supporting nomination for Richard Dreyfus who is hilarious as the dangerous Jew who will kill Brady if he doesn't get his money.

On one hand, the movie is a wacked out, outrageous, brutally violent, and darkly funny movie. On the other hand, it'll make you think more deeply about life, the paths you take which lead you to who you become as a person, and the unexplainable actions and behaviors of humans and why they act that way. This could be the smartest stoner movie ever made. This is perhaps a movie for intellectual stoners to get baked then watch. Then smoke another joint when the movie's done and have a long indepth discussion about the themes and ideas of the movie.



Click here to go back to The Ching of Comedy website.