Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The cinematic shit-stains of the first half of 2010...

If you haven't yet read my list of the top 10 best movies of 2010 so far, please check it out here:

But now, it's time for me to take a shit on the movies that deserve to be shat on. So here we go...

Most Disappointing movie - Shutter Island
Rating: **1/2 (Out of 5)

Calling this movie Shitter Island would perhaps be a bit of a stretch, as it's by no means a horrible movie. If this movie had been directed by someone else not named Scorsese, it would not be showing up on this blog. In an attempt to make a creepy, chilling Hitchcockian film, Shutter Island just does not pull it off. It moves along at a slow pace, and it does a rather poor job of building up tension. A visceral experience this movie is not. Even the big twist didn't come close to a goosebumps type reaction or a "Holy shit!!" that a good twist delivers...I merely shrugged my shoulders was like, "okay"; not a good reaction to a big twist. Plus, when you analyze the movie postmortem, the twist simply does not make sense and makes the entire movie even more absurd and implausible.

Leo...please drop the Boston accent. It's getting annoying. Am I the only one who thinks Dicaprio is a tad bit over-rated? He's a good young actor, but I'll take Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon Levitt or him any day.

The most shameless, un-necessary, money hungry whore of a movie sequel - Shrek Forever After
Rating: ** (out of 5)

It really sucks to see a franchise that started off so fresh and different end like this. I hate sequels which are so obviously motivated by money rather than creativity. It sucks to see Dreamworks milking Shrek the way George Lucas milks Star Wars. Apparently, legacy just doesn't matter. See Shrek 4 then Toy Story 3 to see the difference between a sequel which was obviously just made for money and a sequel which had creative reasons to exist and tell a story that needed to be told. There is absolutely no reason this story of Shrek 4 needs to exist at all. It's a fucking bullshit story.

The humor is lazy and uninspired, the repetition of jokes from the previous Shrek movies are no longer funny (I can't believe people were still laughing at Pussinboots trying to be cute), and all the characters that were once interesting, and lovable from the earlier Shreks are now completely dull. I will say Rumpelstiltskin is a funny villain, and the only interesting character the film has to offer.

It's too bad, because the first 20 minutes of the movie showing how Shrek is bored with the repetition of his new family life was actually very good. However it all goes down hill from there. Its moral of, "You don't know what you got till it's gone...don't take the people you love for granted" has been done to death and delivered in such a trite way. Am I being too hard on the movie? No. I'm not comparing Shrek 4 to The Godfather...I just wish Shrek 4 could have been at least close to Shrek 1...or maybe even 2.

These unmotivated sequels to brilliant originals anger me more than a brand new movie that just sucks. Shrek 4 is a better than let's say...Fly me to the moon, but if I had the power to remove one of those movies from existence, it would definitely be Shrek 4.

Un-necessary remake - A Nightmare on Elm Street
Rating: **1/2

First off, what have you guys done to Freddy Kreuger? He does not look NEARLY as scary as the original. Someone in the audience screaming, "Awww, come on!!" at the first shot of Freddy Kreuger's face would be completely warranted. Second of all, horrible use of the line, "How's this for a wet dream?" It was a hilarious and brilliant line in Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4 (the water bed death), but in the context of this remake...WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS THINKING? That would be another time where an "Awww come on!" from someone in the audience would be completely warranted.

Finally, the director doesn't seem to understand that less is sometimes better. There is way too much exposure of Freddy Kreuger in the 2nd half to the point that his prescence on screen is no longer ominous. I really like Jackie Earl Haley, but he just doesn't really do it for me as Freddy.

You know, this is not a terrible movie. It's competently directed and it has its share of suspenseful moments. But, it offers nothing new that the original didn't do better. For that, this movie's existence is pointless. I ask, what's the fun in doing a remake like this? Why not do something different? Why not apply Nightmare on Elm Street to today's world dominated by the internet? There's many creative directions they can go with Freddy. But, I don't want to encourage them to make a sequel. Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th...come on, guys! Try to think up original new ideas and leave the classic horrors alone.

On another note, someone actually brought their baby to see this movie. During the first 20 minutes, I heard a baby crying a few times. Then the baby was silent for the rest of the movie. So, there you have it. Past the 20 minute mark, this movie couldn't even scare a baby.

The L Word - No, not lesbian, not love. LAME - The Lame-Team, I mean The A-Team
Rating: ** (out of 5)

Is The Lame Team funnier or The Aids Team? This movie is boring! I've seen soccer games with more exciting action than The A-Team. I did not go into A-team excepting a complex plot and 3 dimensional character. I expected a somewhat decently entertaining action movie with some funny moments. Is that too much to ask for? The entire time watching this movie, I kept thinking about another movie with a similar premise, but 1000 times better called The Losers, a movie with better characters, a fucking hilarious villain and action scenes that you can actually *gasp* see what's going on! Seriously, watch The Losers. That is a stupid, absurd, but very fun and entertaining action movie directed with style.

The first scene fight scene that shows Rampage Jackson beating people up shows exactly what is wrong with the movie. I hate action movies that employ the style of cutting so fast that you can barely see what the hell is going on. This is how the majority of the action is conveyed. The one saving grace is the ridiculous tank falling from the sky scene...there, you could actually see what's going on and it's a stupid, but fun action scene.

The movie is just so sloppily structured and repetitive. It's a repetition of this formula:
a.) Liam Neeson comes up with a plan for his team
b.) Action scene where it's hard to see what's going on and lacks excitement
c.) OMG! Somebody has betrayed the A-team, with Neeson getting all angry and being like, "GRR! I can't believe you betrayed me! I trusted you!"

And repeat that formula over and over and over again. Seriously...fucking everybody and their mothers betray the A-team. The number of, "You traitor! I trusted you!" scenes is laughable. Get it through your head, A-team...people just get a kick out of betraying you.

Oh right I guess there's change to the formula when Neeson is like, "Drrr, I'm so burned out, I can't come up with plans anymore" that dude from The Hangover becomes the new plan maker, but he's all like, "Oh no! I don't have confidence in my plan making skills, cuz usually it's that older wiser dude who comes up with the plans."

Completely ridiculous action scenes where our hero can get shot at by absolutely everyone, but every bullet will somehow miss, or a scene where the villain can shoot the hero, but talks and stalls until someone else comes in to save the day may have been cool in the 90s, but nowadays it just comes off very corny. Watch Rampage's motorcycle rescue as a good example of this. The action scenes have no excitement, no suspense, no sense of urgency, or even style.

Dumb action movies can be good if directed with a sense of unique style. Movies like Wanted and The Losers are good examples of this; dumb movies that are good. The A-Team however is just dumb, boring, and isn't even funny in a "So bad it's good" way. Seriously...this movie felt very long.

Worst movie of 2010 so far: Legion
Rating *1/2

There are two good things about this movie. One is that scene in the trailer when the old lady in the coffee shop goes apeshit and attacks. The other is that in the end credits, the font they use is really nice. I want to know the name of that font. That is all.

You know...there's a thing about dumb campy movies. If you're going to make a dumb, campy movie, embrace the stupidity. When dumb movies are very aware of how dumb they are and don't care, there's something kind of charming about that (once again I point to Wanted as an example). There's nothing worse than a dumb movie that takes itself WAAAAAY too seriously. That is Legion.

The plot about God losing faith in humanity and sending angels to kill off humanity is pretty dumb, but whatever...humans fighting off these scary creatures can still make for an entertaining movie, right? Here's the feels like a horror writer and a writer from The Young and the Restless teamed up to write the script. I was utterly shocked at the huge amount of melodrama between the stranded characters. The cheesy, "Oh gosh, this apocalypse has made me realize how horrible of a father I am" to "You're a horrible daughter!"...or a thug telling a rebellious girl that being rebellious isn't so cool with the girl being like, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should stop being rebellious." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

There's like 40 fucking minutes of this corny soap opera writing with dramatic music and slow zoom ins to the characters' faces as their pour their hearts out. the filmmakers actually think their dramatic material is good?! It's also funny to see Dennis Quaid in this movie...he's the ultimate king of mediocre performances. Oh right, and the movie preaches on and on about how horrible human beings have become.

Did the writer actually think the script was good? I bet the writer's all like, "This is so much more than just a horror. It's a social commentary on the state of humanity. It's also a study of the human condition." haha, I actually want to see if the DVD has a behind the scenes with the writer saying shit like that. That'd be fucking hilarious...probably more enjoyable than the movie itself.

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