Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My petition to James Cameron to let me write Avatar 2 (my pitch is taking the Avatar saga to an epic new level)

So, I'm sure everyone reading this has seen James Cameron's Avatar. Well...I hear that a sequel is in the works, but from what I hear there is uncertainty about what will take place in the sequel.

With that in mind, I would like to write the sequel to Avatar. So please check out what I would do with Avatar 2 if I was the writer. I believe my Avatar 2 would be the most epic movie of all time! Please check it out, and give me suggestions on what you like or don't like. I'll take your suggestions, make changes and then I'll actually put this pitch into an online petition form.

But for now, read on and I hope you enjoy. Here we go...warning you...this is a long read.

Dear James Cameron,

Congratulations on making the #1 highest grossing movie of all time. Avatar was a huge achievement in 3-D. You must be thinking, “My god! How do I possibly follow up Avatar? What am I going to do with the sequel?” I have your answer. I know how to take the Avatar story to an epic new level. All those cynics who said that Avatar lacked originality will be silenced when it comes to Avatar 2. Fascinated? Read on…

Fade in to Pandora, 1 year later. Everything is back to normal, but Jake…he ain’t doing so well.

Jake Sully is not happy in Pandora. His relationship with Neytiri is not going so well. He’s having trouble satisfying Neytiri, because as a human he had a premature ejaculation problem which has carried over to his avatar body. Right when Jake and Neytiri hook up their hair tentacle thingies…BAM!...he’s blown his load. And, blue splooge? Ewww, gross! That is something Jake still has not gotten used to. He loves Neytiri, and he starts on a quest, to learn from the other Na’Vi how to satisfy his woman.

Jake misses his life as a human. He just can’t relate these na’vi. However, when the calendar hits April 20th there’s a celebration. It turns out both humans and Na’Vi celebrate 4/20; the key difference being that the Na’vi don’t get high on weed…they get high on eywooaah: plants which they hook up their hair tentacle thingies to. The way that humans trip balls on shrooms is absolutely nothing compared to the way Na’Vi trip balls on eywooaah. What would happen here would be the absolute craziest 3-D scene ever put on film. This scene would be shot in the POV of Jake Sully, where through his eyes you see what it’s like to trip out on eywooaah. I’m talking crazy 3-D tunnel sequences, really trippy objects in fully gimmicky 3-D mode flying at the audience. Jake Sully tripping balls should be a 10 minute scene. While I’m sure it’d be tempting to make the entire movie Jake Sully tripping balls, we do need to tell a story rather than just entertain stoners (not that there is anything wrong with wanting to make a movie for the sole purpose of entertaining stoners). I know I’m not the only person who wondered what it’d be like to trip out on Na’vi drugs.

Jake can’t handle this high, and he jumps on to the dragon and flies around. You know how drinking and driving is not cool? Well getting high and flying a dragon…that is sooo not fucking cool at all! Jake gets wreckless, and crashes the dragon into the tree of souls, demolishing it. The Na’Vi close in on Jake and as they’re about to beat the shit out of him, here comes Neytiri to save him. She pleads with them to not touch him. They figure out that the tree of souls has metaphysical powers, and they could potentially connect with Eywa in a metaphysical way, but it involves having to reach nirvana. The only way to reach nirvana is to do 5 plant hits of eywooaah which is insane. Neytiri steps in for the challenge to save Jake, but Jake insists that they must do it together.

On Earth, a nuclear bomb is accidently activated. Its mutation is so bad, dead humans rise from their graves in zombie form. However, these zombies are no joke. In fact, they make 28 Days Later zombies look like pussies; what makes them scary is that they can walk, talk, and function like human beings. Anyways Pablo Escobar’s zombie and his gang of zombies all stumble into the avatar control centre and maul everyone there. They then discover the avatar technology and they find out about the Eywooaah. Pablo Escobar’s zombie must have this drug! Think about how much money can be made. They grab all these awesome weapons and make avatars of themselves. There’s no explanation for how Pablo Escobar’s gang of zombies know how to operate this complex avatar technology…you just have to suspend your disbelief. Anyways, they all transport into Pandora and what a time to capitalize…when they‘re all tripping balls on 4/20.

Because they’re zombies turned into avatars, their avatars are deadlier and more evil. They can shoot blue lava out of their eyes. The Na’vi put up their best fight, but they are no match for these evil zombie avatars run by Pablo Escobar. Tied up and captured, Pablo’s gang take their time stealing their eywooaah plants. They laugh at how easy this takeover was. Unknown to them, they have forgotten about one person they should not be fucking with: Jake motherfucking Sully!

After Jake’s colossal fuck up, he must right the wrong by saving the day. The hallucinations are too much for him to handle. They’re controlling him. He just wants those hallucinatory rainbow colored flying spiders to leave him alone. He stops, breathes, postures up and says, “My hallucinations won’t control me. I control them!” and right there he all of a sudden can control his hallucinations. Deciding that he needs to one up himself on this rescue mission, he does the most bad ass thing he has ever done in his entire life. He gets his dragon high on eywooaah; him and his dragon, united, high out of their fucking minds are going to save the day! He flies in with his dragon and Pablo Escobar starts to laugh at Jake’s pathetic attempt at a rescue. Jake closes his eyes then…his really trippy hallucinations appear. Giant multi colored flying spiders attack the gang, shooting spider webs made out of a lava/sulfuric acid mix. All the Na’vi are shocked at Jake’s amazing feat. Jake frees them all, as Pablo Escobar’s gang retreats. They’ll be back!

While this goes on, Neytiri stays behind to try to reach Nirvana. She meditates, hooks her hair tentacles thingy to the fallen tree and starts having conversations with The tree of Souls. As she’s hooked in, her body starts shaking like crazy and convulsing. This is very intense. In another trippy 3-D scene, we go into Neytiri’s head as she’s haunted by trippy, metaphorical representations of anger, attachments, and obsessions that chase her all over the place. She tries to get away, but they consume her. This is where Avatar 2 can turn all avante garde. How about that? A little avante garde in a biggest epic blockbuster movie ever.

Back on Earth, Pablo Escobar seeks help from another dangerous gangster; Al Capone’s zombie. As Pablo, Al Capone and all their gangster zombies form together, ready to attack, Jake Sully is getting everyone on Pandora ready for the attack. This is their land, damnit and this is their eywooaah. Jake says urges them to step it up a notch; all the Na’vi must do 5 hits of eywooaah, and learn to have control over their hallucinations. He tells them, “You are Na’vi! You are strong! I know how you’re all thinking, hallucinations…they aren’t real. But guess what? They can be! Do 5 hits of eywooaah, and just believe in yourself. Be in control of your hallucination, show it who’s boss, and you know what? They’ll come to life. Just believe!”

The whole tribe cheers. The energy is electric! Someone says to Jake, “Maybe if you just believe in YOURSELF, Jake…you could satisfy Neytiri in bed.” Jake thinks about this and contemplates.

Cut to a montage of the Na’vi getting ridiculously ripped on eywooaah.

The gangs of zombie avatars are back! The fight is on. The Na’vi aren’t doing so well. They can’t tell the difference between real and hallucination. They are fighting the zombie avatars and their own hallucinations. This is too much. They can’t handle this! They are getting slaughtered. Jake’s hallucinations are fighting back, but getting destroyed.

As things get more and more hopeless, we go back to Neytiri. She is now in a calm, meditative state. In her mind she is having a conversation with Eywa on the meaning of life, what it means to be Na’vi, and finding her place in life in Pandora. As another 3-D sequence goes back into her head, all the metaphorical representations of anger, temptation and obsessions attack her, but they do nothing to her at all. She closes her eyes, as her body lights up and makes everything explode into a beautiful paradise. Neytiri has reached nirvana, as the Tree of Souls slowly starts to re-erect.

The whole Na’vi tribe look in awe as the tree of souls is erecting itself back into its original shape. They smile. Things will work out just fine.

All the Na’vi scream, “Hallucinations, we control you!” as the most fucking bad ass hallucinations come to life and beat the living shit out of the zombie avatars. Their blue lava shots aren’t doing shit. Jellyfish made out of lasers, the dark unicorns of death, giant killer pink rabbits…an epic battle commences, but the hallucinations win. As Pablo Escobar tries to escape, Jake Sully and Neytiri beat the living shit out of him. Like, they beat him up…to death…WITH THEIR FISTS. If you have this shot in 3-D, it should be from Escobar’s POV, and having the fists coming out in 3-D, so the audience can feel what it is like to take a Jake Sully and Neytiri ass whooping.

Everything is back to normal. Jake sweeps Neytiri off her feet and says, “Ready for your first orgasm?!”

She nods, but then stops. She has an even better idea.

Next thing, they are doing another 5 hits of eywooaah. Not only will they be making love, their hallucinations will be making love as well. Then…


Does Jake Sully end up satisfying Neytiri? Find out in Avatar 3!

I bet that when you were reading this, you envisioned this entire movie in your head, then when you got to the end you were like, “Wow…that is an awesome movie!” Please, let your voices be heard! Tell James Cameron, you want Jeff Ching to write the screenplay for Avatar 2.