Monday, November 7, 2016

In Fear of a worldwide Trump Dump - a shit filled metaphored blog about a shit-show election...

I will coin the term of “The Trump Dump” which I define as the very moment that billions of people all around the world simultaneously shit their pants and I mean that literally (though figurative too), when Trump is announced as the new president.   Have you shit yourself before conversations would be like:

“Have you shit your pants before?”
“What?  You’ve shit in your pants?! Haha!!  I’m telling everyone!”
“Yeah!  When Donald Trump became president.”
“Oh right.  Come to think of it, so did I.”

And seeing how Trump doesn’t believe in climate change, wants to withdraw from the Paris Climate Deal, abolish the EPA and likely appoint a new Supreme Court judge that probably thinks climate change is a hoax, Mother Nature is likely shitting her pants too!...this time figuratively speaking.    

If it hasn’t been stated enough, my butt cheeks are in a constant state of clenched togetherness (I know this is bad English, but if a presidential candidate can use words like “Bigly”, then I think I get a pass to say clenched togetherness).  I can’t ever remember an election where the potential result is actually the most terrifying thing to happen to the entire world.  Even when George W. Bush beat John Kerry, my reaction to that was just an, “Aw shucks!”  This is another fucking level of scary.  It says something when even George W. actually comes off relatively smart and sane in comparison to Trump or the entire Republican party today.  “Don’t mis-underestimate me” or “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice…you ain’t gonna fool me again!” doesn’t come off all that dumb anymore.  Trump has raised the bar.  

Yes, I know that Hillary is not that great of a choice, I know.  Bernie would have been so fucking amazing and maybe the coolest politician ever, but we’ve got Hillary and she’s the only person standing in the way of a candidate that gives the KKK wet dreams; a candidate who's rallies not only resemble KKK rallies, but Nazi ones too. 

And I’m getting tired of seeing Susan Sarandon with her, “Oh, Hillary Clinton would be just as bad as Donald Trump”, oh shut the fuck up Susan Sarandon!  It’s not even close.  Bernie Sanders himself is telling everyone to vote Hillary, and a shitload of his ideas are in the current Democratic platform; he even says he agrees with 80% of what’s in the Democratic platform and he holds that blue book with pride.  You seriously think Trump will enforce any of Bernie’s ideas?    

This election is like, you have a menu and you only have two choices:  a $2 steak or a turd sandwich?  That one’s an easy choice, right?  Or choosing Hillary over Donald is like… choosing a punch to the face over getting a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wires to the balls.  Or it’s like choosing to be in the same elevator as Chris Christie as he rips silent deadly farts over Chris Christie actually pinning you down and farting in your mouth.  Or like, you’re looking for a new roommate and you only have two choices: a former best friend who slept with your girlfriend, or Satan; the choice in all these hypothetical are easy ones, right?  I don’t consider my analogies to be hyperbolic at all.  I stand by my analogies and I’m very very proud of them!  In fact, no one comes up with better analogies than me! It's especially better than Bill Maher's shitty "Order the chicken" analogy. 

I don’t remember when, but I came to an epiphany that there’s one fictional character that is totally Donald Trump, and that is Eric Cartman in South Park.  I was happy with what I thought was an original thought, but then I googled “Eric Cartman is Donald Trump” and found that many bloggers made that same observation.  In fact, I won’t even try to write a better blog comparing the two, because this writer has done a phenomenal job:

I’ll just make reference to one South Park episode and that one is Cartmanland.  In that episode Eric Cartman inherits his grandmother’s money $1 million, and ends up deciding to buy a failing amusement park.  When the previous owner warns him that business is bad, Cartman is like, “That’s okay.  The amusement park is just for my enjoyment, that’s it.”  First he changes the name of the amusement park to Cartmanland, and the joy of getting to enjoy everything all to himself brings him to tears.  Soon, he makes commercials advertising Cartmanland, gloating about the fact that the only person that can get into Cartmanland is him, and nobody else is invited.  But, when the amusement park starts costing him a lot of money, he reluctantly agrees to let a limited number of people in the park to pay the costs.  When the costs get even bigger and he’s forced to allow anyone in, he’s miserable and wants to give up owning the amusement park. 

Trump will be like a little kid acquiring an amusement park.  I believe the sole reason why Trump wants to be president, is to make life as awesome as possible for himself with all this new found power.  He will constantly test the limits of all the shit he can get away with doing, having the most powerful job in the world.  He will be like a kid who’s spent his whole life playing kiddy Nintendo games, discovering Grand Theft Auto for the first time, utterly fascinated by endless array of horrible, crazy shit you can do.  Instead of only spending $20,000 of Trump Foundation money on a portrait of himself, he could now have endless taxpayers money at his disposal, for the Statue of Trump, made of bronze with his hair made out of gold.  Putting a giant gold TRUMP on top of the white house, I wouldn’t put that past him.  He can have the most powerful military that can do whatever he tells them to do.  Hey, let’s just bomb the shit out of this country, because that’ll be fun, Secretary of State, come up with a  bullshit reason we’re bombing them.  He could probably ask for the NSA’s help in winning twitter wars.  “NSA, dig up information on this WesAndersonFan69 who keeps calling me a midget handed monkey fucker.  I want to remind this WesAndersonFan69 that I have access to drones.”  Do I have to remind everyone that he’s asked a foreign policy expert 3 times why they can’t use nukes if they have them, because ya know…it’s a waste of nukes to not use them? 

The man is obsessed with his power and fame.  I’m sure he gets a hard on every time he fires someone.  He bragged to Howard Stern about being able to walk into women’s changerooms, might I add this includes changerooms of TEENAGE girls.  Of course the infamous Pussygate is once again, gloating about power and fame.  “I can get away with sexual assault, because I’m rich and powerful.” His new form of gloating will be, "My God, as president I got away with doing so and so..." fill in the blanks, I'm afraid to speculate.

It’s appropriate to use children in these analogies, because Trump is a man child.  He’s a spoiled child already living an extremely privileged life who throws a hissyfit when anything doesn’t go his way.  Any time something doesn’t go his way, the system is rigged against him, because who faces more repression than a white billionaire? I'm behind in the polls? The election is rigged. I'll accept the results...if I win!  What more proof is there that he's a man child?  I think the funniest example just happened yesterday...

I was wondering why Trump was so quiet on twitter, and it turns out that his campaign took away his twitter account, because he couldn’t stop himself from getting into childish twitter wars. Isn't that an absolute fucking joke for a guy who's running for fucking president?!

Finally though, I want to address this idea that all of a sudden, Trump will be a savior of the middle class, fighting for their rights, making America great, running the country like he runs his business.  Just look at his history as a business man, can you name one philanthropic thing he’s done to better society?  Have you heard any stories about the things that Trump has done to better the lives of his employees?  And no, donating to the Veterans after lying about it, being exposed for your lies, and then donating after people found out your lies doesn't count. Now if he has a history of being involved in thousands of lawsuits, scamming people on a mass scale with Trump University, and a reputation of not paying his contractors, wanting to fire women who work at his golf course because they’re unattractive, spending Trump Foundation money on settling lawsuits and a $20,000 portrait of himself…

What the fuck makes you believe he will all of a sudden transform into this kind, caring man that will fight for the middle class, when he never bothered to do so, when he had fuckloads of money and the resources to do so?  Even the website pornhub has a far better philanthropy record than Trump, and I would trust the owner of that site over Trump anyday for president. Seriously, the dude uses his website and people hornyness to raise money for different causes, it's actually kind of funny, but cool he does that.

Any South Park fan would be terrified with Eric Cartman as president.  Well with Donald Trump, we’re not that far off.  We have an actual adult in Hillary Clinton vs. a spoiled man child.  To end off this blog, I want to re-post this video, because nothing demonstrates the childish, spoiled, thin skinned nature of who Trump truly is more than this. The most ridiculous lawsuit filed of all time, was filed by Trump. I challenge ANYBODY to tell me a lawsuit more ridiculous than this one. It's a 5 minute video.

That's all I have to say about this. I was stoned and drunk when I wrote a lot of it, because...this is one crazy, scary ass shit show of an election. If Hillary wins, I'm ready to celebrate like a motherfucker. Honestly, there's nothing I want more in life right now than for Trump to not be president. If a genie offered me $1 million or a 100% guarantee that Trump doesn't win, I'll take the latter. That's how fucking terrified I am of a Trump presidency.

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