Thursday, May 23, 2013

A new financial fuck myself experiment - financial fuck myself get in good shape and become a bad ass martial artist along the way experiment...

First off, my latest short film that got into the Toronto Indy Film Fest - CHASING ROADRUNNER is now available to watch at  Please watch it if you haven’t had the chance to.  Okay...

The Financial fuck myself experiment has been pretty successful at getting my lazy ass writing again.  Now in attempt to further better myself, I will be extending this fuck myself experiment to my own personal health and fitness...and hopefully becoming a bad ass martial artist along the way.  Yes, I know I haven’t updated my writing experiment blog in a while, I’ll do that soon. 

It’s bad when I try to flex my muscle in attempt to intimidate someone, and then all I get is laughter.  People would say, “It’s almost as if you don’t have any muscles at all.”  I then try to tell people that I have stealthy muscles and that taking a punch from me is like getting hit by an Obama drone attack, but no one seems to believe me.    

Some people who see me, a 6’2” guy, but incredibly scrawny think I’m completely wasting my height by...ya know, being scrawny and boney as fuck.  The #1 most clich├ęd question I get from people who marvel at my height is whether I play basketball and when I tell them I don’t, they look so disappointed, as if I’m wasting this height of mine.  But, I’m not wasting my height.  Hey guys, you know what’s awesome about being tall? Being able to see over your short midget asses!!  You know what’s a way more fun sport?  Curling!  No jokes, curling is actually a lot of fun.  And badminton...that’s a sport where I use my height to my advantage. 


There’s a reason you never see me posting shirtless pictures of myself.  It’s not because it’s a douchey thing to do.  It’s because I really have no upper body to show off.  I don’t even have a six pack which is kind of sad for how skinny I am.  Don’t get me wrong, if I had a 6 pack, I would totally post shirtless pictures every day.  If I had photoshop skills, I’d totally photoshop a 6 pack on myself...but sadly, my photoshop skills are as bad as my upper body.

My good friend Richard Fung (The sensei of Fung Fu) decided a year ago he needed to get in good shape.  So, he posted a picture of his somewhat flabby self, then went to the gym steadily 4 days a week.  He posted a picture of himself a year later, and the dude is fucking ripped.  He had a goal, he committed, and the results speak for themselves.      

I’m not going to make that commitment.  4 days a week lifting weights is just too much.  Why?  Because weight lifting fucking sucks!  Even lighting weights once a week is too much.  It’s about as fun as loading heavy shit into a cube van.  Seriously, weight lifting is just lots of pain, and a shitload of boredom to go along with the pain, might I add a shitload of insecurity as I watch other people in the gym lifting like 10 times what I’m lifting.  The only time I would be interested to return to a weight room would be if I showed up with like 4 other guys on Halloween to the YMCA, and we were all dressed up like a different member of the village people. I asked the YMCA employees if that was ever done and he said no.

Back on topic...So, what do I plan to do to get in shape?  Kickboxing class once a week.  It’s a start.  Maybe if I get in better shape, it’ll be more than that, but baby steps is what I need.

For those of you that have never attended, kickboxing class is the absolute most intense work out imaginable.  I used to think a punk rock moshpit was the most excessively sweat inducing activity, but it’s actually nothing in comparison to a kickboxing class.  When you go into the change room, the floor is like a skating rink of other people’s sweat, and after one kickboxing class, there’s not a single muscle in the body that isn’t in pain.  I remember having to roll out of bed, because I couldn’t sit up.  While I don’t have weights at my disposal, I figure the excessive amount of push ups, sit ups, and planking should suffice.  If I can commit to this class once a week for at least a year, I think I’ll be in pretty good shape. 

Even better, I’ll hopefully become somewhat decent at kickboxing.  I’ve always had a fascination for the martial arts.   Despite the fact that kickboxing class is 90 minutes of suffering and pain, it’s at least kind of fun.  I’ve given up on weights, but I think I can stick to this.

Now, I’ve accepted that laziness has been written into my DNA, so I need to get around it.  I now have a new financial fuck myself plan.  A good friend of mine...let’s call him Dick Siemens (this is a real name. I ain’t makin this shit up).  He has a really big debt with another friend of mine...let’s call him Jakov Mehboob (okay, this name isn’t real, but there really is someone out there named Jakov, and Mehboob is a much more common name than you’d expect).  I absolutely must attend one kickboxing class a week.   Mr. Siemens will text me every Sunday night to find out if I went to kickboxing class or not.  If the answer is no, I have to give $25 to Jakov to which he will castrate the $25 off Dick’s debt. 

Now, there are exemptions to this.  If I didn’t make it to kickboxing class, but I did have a really intense work out in another form (ie: playing squash with my older me, this is tiring as fuck!!, or I went to a punk rock show with a really rockin moshpit), then that’s good enough substitute workout that I don’t have to pay.  Or I get sick, it’s probably not a good idea to go to class and risk infecting other people.  Or if I’m on vacation, but that one’s obvious. 

But otherwise, I better get my lazy ass into kickboxing class once a week , or my wallet will take even more vicious rapings.  I’m not going to blog every week about this like I do with the writing experiment, but I’ll keep a score card for those of you that want to know how I’m doing.  This deal takes affect this week and will go for the rest of 2013.  Who knows what the future has in store?  Maybe a year from now, you’ll see a shitload of shirtless pics with my bad ass 6 pack flooding the internet.  

1 comment:

  1. I think you should make the ultimatum having to go to kickboxing ONLY. Otherwise, shit..siemens could text you and you could say "well I went for a mile walk"...There's too much margin for excuses. I think it should be kickboxing ONLY unless you get sick or go on vacation. Besides, the best and fastest way to a 6 pack is through maximum pain and effort.